Being Single
You Can Trust Again
Confession.
I am one of theeeee most distrusting people walking this planet. I question everyone’s motives all the time and can villain-ize an ironing board if need be. I blame my parents for this debilitating characteristic. They didn’t hug me enough as a child. (See?)
Can’t recall what brought this post on, but I’m well aware that I’m not the only person with trust issues. And to be totally honest, I’m really not THAT distrusting. But I do know that there is a reasonable amount of security and comfort in keeping people at a distance. Who wants to open their hearts repeatedly only to be deceived and betrayed again and again? Why not collect dust on a shelf where no one can reach you? Why not hide your gorgeous self behind a bunch of jungle plants? You’re safe there. And so am I.
petunia2323 via Compfight
For certain seasons, a cocoon is fine. God does His best work when we are at our lowest, but now that Spring is coming I really don’t care to be bound up, blocked out, or broken down anymore. I mean… Aren’t you TIRED of the same old conversations with the same old people? Wouldn’t you like a fresh perspective? And new opportunities? Isn’t the air in there getting stale?
Here’s how all of us, admittedly distrusting or not, can learn to trust (and love) again.
- Let God heal you. If you’ve been wounded emotionally, it’s normal and acceptable to pull away from people for a season. Just be sure to spend that time with the Lord instead of sinking into a pit of despair.
- Observe a person before offering friendship. Are they consistent? Do they live what they believe? Are they buttkissers, or genuine? Do they gossip? Take your time and consider if someone would make a good friend for you, and vice versa. We all have different personalities, so it’s best to find a good match. Opposites attract, but birds of a feather flock (remain) together.
- You can’t see through brick… So knock a few out of the way and peek outside every once in a while. The longer you’ve been in a place of mistrust, the harder it will be for you to give and receive love. Tearing down a wall isn’t ideal, but a few bricks here and there need to go. You’ll feel revived as you re-acclimate yourself to the possibility of having healthy relationships and breathing fresh air.
- Measure out your time, devotion, and personal details. MOST of us are wounded because we gave entirely too much too soon. Yes, I know it’s romantic to dive in head first, but whoever said romance was smart?! Let’s leave Disney in our childhood and apply common sense. Whenever a relationship is new, limit the time and information you share with that person. If they can be trusted with that, then give a little more and a little more. You won’t be hurt as much when a potential homegirl blabs about your hammertoe as you would if she told about an indiscretion.
- Keep your distance from those who’ve previously violated your trust. Let bygones be bygones. Forgive them. Forgive yourself. Keep moving forward. People can and do change, but you don’t need them to prove it to you.
Spring is upon us, and I’m ready to enjoy some warm weather outside of my old brick fortress of shame and disappointment. And you, my dear reader, there is somebody waiting for you to enter his or her life. Someone needs a friend, a colleague, a prayer partner, a lover. Someone needs you, and certain things in their lives won’t happen until you arrive.
Selah.
With love, sincerity, and hope for your future,
Alana
Read MoreHow to Shamelessly (& Single-y) Celebrate Valentine’s Day
I raised a little hype about this post and caused some to believe that my Prince Charming had shown up just in time for Valentine’s Day.
Not. Even. Close.
My bad, ya’ll. All I really said was that I had a great Valentine’s Day planned… never mentioned a word about a significant other. But it’s funny how those who are constantly seeking relationships assumed I might be doing the same. We really do see the world as we are.
So now that those theories have come crashing down, let me explain WHY I’m so excited about a holiday that’s typically only shared between lovers. Simply put, I AM in love…
With me!
Nastassia Davis [www.nastassiadavis.com] via Compfight
And I loooooooove Valentine’s Day. I refuse to let any bad memories or perceived lack of a male companion prevent me from enjoying this day. I plan to celebrate in the most shameless and singlest of ways. And should you be in the same boat, you should celebrate too. You do love yourself, right?
Here’s my game plan.
Fiiiiirst, I’m going to bake something chocolatey and delicious. I’ve recently rekindled my love affair with these beauties. They’re something like chocolate souffles with only 200 calories. If I’m feeling extra frisky, I might drop a peppermint patty or raspberry sorbet in the middle of it. If you’re not a chocolate lover like me, then make yourself something yummy and fruity. Do it. And don’t regret it.
Ticket for one to Nomsville, please.
Not moved yet? Stick with me.
So theeeen I’m going to light a Yankee Pink Sands candle and take a warm bubble bath. And what’s a relaxing bath without a face mask and some Epsom salt? I plan to soak away all the residue of love lost, bad feelings, disappointment. I may reminisce of the good times, but more than likely, I’ll imagine some possibilities for the future. My bottle of Moroccan Argan body oil will greet my skin when I’m through bathing. Every woman should have a bottle of fragrant oil. Lotions and perfumes just aren’t the same. Get yourself some good quality body oil ASAP.
One day this will be mine.
After every bath or shower I take a long look in the mirror and thank God for what He created. I am fearfully and wonderfully made regardless of what I used to look like pre-B&B. Some days I offer up a shabach praise. But tomorrow, I’m going to be a little less… ummm… holy and enjoy this tune.
Kyle’s gonna sing to me. Maybe I’ll sing to me. But this song will be sang while I’m in the mirror gazing upon the fineness that mine holy Father hath bestowed upon me. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned in these 10 romance-free months is that if a fella’s gonna move me out of this blessed place of singleness with God, he’s gonna have to love me more than I love myself and my God. And now that I’ve set a standard for loving myself, I KNOW that the person God has for me will exceed the standard I’ve already set.
I sincerely hope you join my quest of self-embracing, chocolate-eating, and jazz-crooning. But I must warn you. After you do all this, you might need to pop two Tylenol PM and take your butt to bed. Don’t give the devil any room by responding to texts and such after a certain hour… IF you catch my drift.
Whatever you do today, ENJOY IT! There are so many ways to celebrate love. Love yourself today, and from that place you can give your best to the people around you.
Be shameless in your singleness and enjoy Valentine’s Day 2013!
With love, sincerity, and hope for your future,
Alana
Read More9 Reasons to Decline a Date
Women can get into soooo much trouble over one little teeny, tiny dinner and movie date followed by a few weeks of texting and scattered phone calls. We just can’t help it. Our romantic desires go into overdrive whenever someone might be “right.” We try so hard to secure a future with the current suitor and never consider that the initial offer might not be worth accepting.
Now that I’m in my right mind and TOTALLY unattached, I can’t make sense of why I said yes to some when I should’ve said nothing and ran for the hills. More often than not, I’ve said no because of me rather than the other person. I’ve realized that some of what is going on inside of me is reason enough to tell an unsuspecting, well-meaning suitor that a date, at this point in time, is not the best idea.
Here are nine instances when you should just say “no”:
#9 – You’re feeling lonely, bored, and/or hormonal.
Call up your girlfriends when you need some companionship and entertainment, but dating under these conditions will only render you needy and, therefore, prone to emotional abuse. It’s perfectly acceptable (and preferable) to sit your butt at home by yourself from time to time. Loneliness won’t kill you. It does go away, and eventually you’ll learn to value the time you have to yourself.
#8 - You know he’s feeling lonely.
If he only calls at the last minute, you MUST decline. A gentleman who is genuinely interested will make plans in advance because he looks forward to seeing you. Those last minute calls often seem romantic because of their spontaneity, but experience has taught me (and probably you too), that what seemed to be spontaneity really was an afterthought. You don’t have to entertain lonely menfolk. It’s not in your job description as a woman.
#7 - He doesn’t match your non-negotiables.
Being open-minded has its merits, but some qualities are requisite for a healthy relationship. If he doesn’t believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God and is God and became flesh that he might die for the remission of our sins, then don’t date him, girl. You can’t afford to make that kind of a compromise. I have a few other non-negotiables, but I can’t tell everything on this here blog.
#6 - He’s involved or has recently become uninvolved.
We ALL know that one guy who texts and calls when his relationship gets a little rocky. NOT responding is the best way to address this issue. Even if he DOES break up with his boo to get with you, his integrity is lacking. His heart is unavailable, so no need trifling with things that bite and burn in the end.
#5 - He previously friend-zoned you.
If he’s ever applied zoning regulations to your interactions and you chose to remain as his friend, then let those regulations stand. Be fahn as you wanna be. Let him look, but don’t you dare let him touch. Men who go back and forth between friend and boo are looking for a toy, not someone to share their hearts with.
#4 - His recent track record with women is pure trash.
It’s ok to ask around about someone, but ask the Holy Spirit first. If you’ve noticed his last few interactions with women have been unsavory, no sense in becoming another notch in his belt. Let that joker do his jig elsewhere.
#3 – He reminds you of an ex.
- As you carry on conversations with folks, listen for trends. If you’re hearing the same types of negative things over and over again, you might want to take some time away from dating to readjust your standards. If you’re attracting the same type of mess repeatedly, then it’s
- in you and needs to come out before you can enjoy a successful relationship. Once you’ve made the change inside, you’ll find better quality people attracted to you.
#2 - You’re suffering heartache in other areas of your life.
I’ve watched my parents divorce, been abandoned by one, watched another make a crazy decision, etc., etc., etc., and all of those things have impacted my perceptions and feelings on relationships. Until you come out of the hurt involved with life’s troubles, it’s best to not become seriously involved with another person without God’s direction. Many of these trials are formative and the person you are going into them may be very different from the person you will become when you’re delivered. Financial difficulties also put a strain on us emotionally. The enemy will any sort of stress to cause you to feel anxious. Once you;re anxious, you’ll begin to feel lonely. Once you’re lonely, you’ll compromise for companionship.
#1 - He works with you.
Don’t mess in your nest. Certain areas of your life should be drama free as much as you have control over it. If you must date him, then be discreet and keep yourself in check at work.
Bottom line is this… if he is SO fine that you can’t decline respectably and reel your emotions in, then he has been sent from the devil himself. (That’s not to say he IS the devil. He might be, so no sense in testing that theory.) God is not the author of confusion, and He will not bring you a companion until you’ve reached a level of maturity and trust in Him.
I have declined a handful of dates, not only because my sabbatical has yet to end, but also because I am more cognizant of the issues that linger in me and discerning of those in others. I’ve turned down some of the smartest, finest, wealthiest menfolk for one or many of the reasons above. I will continue to do so until I’m at a place where I KNOW that I want no man or relationship more than I want my God.
No sense in wasting your time, energy or emotions… if a person’s not right for you, keep the door closed. Let God’s peace keep you.
This list is by no means exhaustive.
What will keep you from even going out on date #1?
With love, sincerity, and hope for your future,
Alana
Photo credit: Michelle Brea via Compfight
Read MoreMore God in 2013: Five Ways to Make Room for Him
“New year, new rules, new regulations!” that’s what my Grandfather used to say. Every year to his children. So I’ve been told.
I’ve made a list of the things I’d like to accomplish this year, and I noticed one thing. Everything I’m lacking going into 2013 can be resolved if I make more room for the Lord in my life. Think about it. The areas where we struggle most are the areas that we’ve submitted the least to God. What’s more is that it’s NOT His will for us to continue to struggle. But He is limited because we do not grant Him access.
Here’s are five simple ways you can be more successful in achieving your goals whether you start tomorrow, or the next day, or the next day.
- Dedicate the first three days of every month or one day a week to fasting. Limit your diet during this time, and focus on feeding your spirit through reading and meditating on the Word. Spend at least 5 minutes in prayer a few times throughout the day. Also turn off social media, television, radio, email, and your phone to the most feasible extent. Your goal is to hear from the Lord during this time. Let Him share what’s on HIS heart.
- Take communion daily with family during dinner. Or weekly. You don’t have to wait until the fifth Sunday at church. Matza bread and grape juice are sold on the Kosher aisle of your local grocery store, but you already have bread and water in your kitchen. Communion should be a solemn and worshipful experience. Before coming to the table to partake examine yourself. As you partake of the bread and wine, meditate on how Christ’s death paid the price for every single one of your needs for peace, provision, and health. (Disclaimer: If you’re willingly living in sin, don’t do this. 1 Corinthians 11 tells us why.)
- Memorize a new Scripture every week. While you’re memorizing be sure to meditate as well (Joshua 1:8). Choose something relevant to your life experience and make a conscious effort to share it with others in a casual way. Placing sticky notes around the house will help with this. You can also use a dry erase marker to write keywords on your bathroom mirrors.
- Give financially OUTSIDE of your church. We tend to give so much of our money to the church we have nothing left for alms. Follow your convictions regarding tithing and such, but purpose in your heart to be a blessing to people you pass who are in need. Help someone pay for their groceries when you’re standing in line. When you’ve come back from Costco, call up someone you know is struggling and offer them some food. God will provide for YOU! It is our duty as a church to provide for the poor.
- Master the art of silent prayer. I know many are against the idea of contemplative prayer, but we can’t all shout and say “Lord God” after every three words. I don’t know about you but I face challenges every ten minutes on the eights. Learn to commune with the Lord in your spirit. As believers we should be able to quiet our minds enough to hear from God even in crazy situations. But practice makes perfect.
I know your Facebook friends are telling you that you can lose weight if only you had more discipline, or you can manage your money better if you tithe, but start here. Let the Lord guide your path. Make room for Him and everything else will fall into place.
Selah.
With love, sincerity, and hope for your future,
Alana
Photo credit: 
Christian Holmér via Compfight
Read More
The Swoon Factor: My Most Memorable Kiss
I love random SMS conversations. But today, this one took me by surprise…
Flex: Could you be with someone that you didn’t enjoy kissing?
Me: Absolutely not!
Flex: Just making sure I wasn’t crazy.Me: But I would try a few times to see if it gets better.Flex: Yeah, I would. But if I CONSISTENTLY don’t like it…nah lol.Me: Totally agree…Flex: So you wanna kiss me or nah?Me: X______X (I didn’t actually text this, but my eyes did cross.)Flex: I kid I kid lol
That short (hilarious) exchange did two things for me. First, it sent me into a fit of laughter thinking about my friend being poorly kissed by a well-meaning, passionate, but unskilled woman. Can’t you see her closing her eyes, leaning in, tilting her head, and seductively pouting only to smoosh his nose in and chomp down on his lips? Second, it made me think about a few kisses I’ve had over the years. As we all know, 2012 has been relatively dry in the kissing department, so I had to dig deep to really reflect on the matter. (The things I do for you people… psssh…)
Some of ye olde kisses were awkwardly pleasant. Others were forceful and unenjoyable. Some I have to dig deep to even remember though at the time I was having a swoon-fest. But one kiss really stands out in my mind for all the right reasons.
Oh, how I wish I could describe the mechanics of this kiss, but Lord knows you super churchy folk would get all up tight at the mention of kisses that don’t land on foreheads or cheeks. And this kiss was smack dab on the lips. There was suction. There was swooning. There were no consequential actions that led us into sin or regret. The kiss simply communicated “I care about you. I understand you. I value you as a person. Thank you for being you.”
Outside of the fullness of the fella’s lips– *dodges rebukes*– I can pinpoint three factors that contributed to the swoon factor.
- We were incredible friends, and I just didn’t expect it.
- He was respectful enough to ask but charming enough to not make it sound like he was asking.
- His kiss wasn’t a demonstration of other activities he might have wanted to do with me.
Immediately following this seven-second smooch, I turned my back towards him, crumpled to my knees, and fell flat on my face— in my mind, of course. In real life, I zombie-walked away in complete and utter shock. Once I was alone I smirked and giggled like a fool.
Many of us are far too careless with our kisses. For some that may look like kissing too many people or not kissing the one you claim to love enough. For others, we fail to communicate what matters most in such an intimate moment, and that is your respect and admiration for the person of interest. We can’t be so careless to communicate our demands in hopes that the other party will be moved (coerced– whatever) to fulfill our desires. And selfish kisses are worse than bad breath kisses for one reason, and one reason only. They’re totally forgettable.
Next time you want to make someone swoon, remember respect and compassion will help you win the cause, but at the very least, you won’t be forgotten.
With love, sincerity, and pack of Chap Stick,
Alana
Photo credit: License
Some rights reserved by _Zahira_
“Mis”-Takes We Make: An Excerpt from Late Nights on the Straight & Narrow
I wanted to share another excerpt from my e-book Late Nights on the Straight & Narrow. This short piece below describes some of the dating “mis”-takes Christians make because of our tendency to be naive.
So he or she wasn’t automatically disqualified. GREAT!!! But if you’re wise, you’ll guard yourself against making some of the same “mis”-takes you’ve made in the past.
- “Mis”-taking spiritual gifts and natural gifts or callings for maturity. I have made this error more than any other. We must take our time to discern if a person is operating a spiritual gift out of intimacy with the Lord or simply talent and ability. What’s slightly more confounding is that the presence of God will come in through a soiled preacher because the Word itself has power. Just because the message is good, doesn’t mean the messenger is. If you’re very spiritual but weak emotionally, the enemy will continually set this trap for you.
- Failure to notice his or her fixed availability. I was in an ongoing email conversation with a fella for a few days, but I failed to acknowledge that he only emailed me really early in the morning or really late at night. This is a sign that a person is involved and attempting to make you a side piece without your knowing. If you’re put on a schedule, then you’ve been “mis”-taken for someone silly and unintelligent. Most single folks will openly tell you that they’re single. If someone skirts around the issue, beware!
- Believing that he or she really is a “private” person. What kind of person would keep your fine, smart self a secret? None other than one who plays the field and hopes to God that you dare not write “Hey boo!” on his or her Facebook wall. There’s a gaping chasm between being hush-hush and being discreet. You really can’t confuse the two. If you feel like a dirty, little secret, you probably are.
- Being too available. Set apart some time to talk to your potential, but don’t open your schedule completely to the person. Even when you do chat, measure out your time. End the conversation when it becomes dry, a more pressing need arises, or an hour is approaching…. whichever comes first.
- Waiting too long to pray “Thy will be done.” We want so badly to hope that whoever is present is the one because waiting becomes tiresome. But as soon as we’re hooked into conversations about the future, soul ties begin to form and it becomes harder to break away. Before going too far, ask the Lord to remove him or her if their intentions towards you are ungodly. I call this a “right-mind” prayer, and it has saved me LOTS of heartache.
- We’re carried away by whims. Or Biblically speaking, drawn away by our own lusts…. Be deliberate about the choices you make. If you decide to go on the date, make sure it serves a purpose other than relieving boredom. It’s far too easy to get swept away by emotion, but make every choice as if the Lord will have you answer for it. Just remember that nobody’s perfect… not even you!
This is just a small portion of what the Lord gave me to write. If you’ve read all the dating advice and books, but you’re still left wanting, Late Nights on the Straight and Narrow is for YOU! I’m brutally honest about my own faults, yet I speak to those deep heart issues that manifest themselves in our poor choices. You are not alone in this quest. Let God’s love speak to you from this text.
To purchase a copy of my e-book, simply make a donation of $5 or more via the PayPal option on the right column. I’ll email you a copy ASAP.
With love, sincerity, and hope for your future,
Alana
Read More
About Alana
Pronounced Uh-LAY-Nuh...
I don't pretend to be an expert, but I know what I know. And I know failure and heartbreak. I know how to keep moving forward in spite of it all. I keep my heart with all diligence. Bring your mirror of introspection, a box of tissues, the willingness to laugh, and an open mind. Thanks for visiting! 
