Being Smart, Uncategorized

Are You a Social Media Superstar?

This photo is a screencap of my Twitter mentions.

I cannot begin to point fingers in this arena because I have played a guilty part in overindulging in social media. For the late-70’s and 80’s babies  our lives have become embedded in smart phones and other devices that keep us synced to our “friends” and “followers.”

Social media is ever-evolving, so we must adjust accordingly. Facebook was originally purposed for college students. NOW, we have our grannies and nieces and nephews online with us. Annoying, right? Since the audience has changed, so should the content! Each social media site also serves a different function and so what we place on one site may not be right for another. I’m partial to Twitter where I can follow individuals who tweet about things that I enjoy… like food, love, Chemistry. (They fit together nicely, no?) Google+ indulges my geeky, giggly side, and Facebook is where I go for the warm fuzzies. That’s just my use, and if I should do any mixing— nah. That can’t happen. However you use your “superstar status” remember that it represents YOU, and you will be jud–critiqued– according to your posts.

Over time, my addictions have waned, and I’ve come to find the fronts of Facebook, Twitter, and Google+ somewhat of an annoyance through no one else’s fault but my own. I doubt many of you would share my sentiments regarding your own behavior (no one likes to self-assess), but at the very least, you can reconsider a few points. Maybe?

  • The more friends you have, the broader the network. Share purposefully. Your network is broader than the couple hundred (or thousand) folks you call friends. The news ticker, subscriptions and sharing options of Facebook now make your influence reach farther than you may want. So make your posts count! People should look forward to reading what you have to say, and not skip over because they know it’s another vague and emotional “life lesson.” You are truly free to post what you want, but remember that it’s not YOUR page. Like it or not, it’s all public. You own nothing but the right to withhold your thoughts which should be exercised liberally. Copy/paste functions and screen caps greatly abound. I’m guilty of using them myself when I see foolish things. (One of you is lucky I didn’t make your silly posts my featured photo.)
  • As far as photos are concerned, LESS IS MORE! My Facebook friends’ list at one point only consisted of family and close friends. Now my friends list has a slew of people I don’t know, plus a handful of folks I strongly dislike. So while two years ago the baby pictures of my children were acceptable because aunties and cousins were enjoying them, they are are now totally inappropriate. And can we just talk about folks who have 100 headshots? Multiple angles. Multiple do’s. Multiple eye colors. Still the same you. I don’t have the heart to tell you that your bountiful photo albums serve as a beacon to predatory daters. I’ve deleted quite a few of my head and body shots and have many more to go. The number of likes I receive has no bearing on my self-esteem as it once did, so there’s no need for me to share 50 gazillion shots of my pretty face and… nevermind. Plus I don’t want someone fishing through my photos to determine if I’m right for their “agenda.” That’s nothing but bad business.
  • Add a little sugar to it! A wise woman (your momma) once  said “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” I agree with this statement 99.999% of the time. Every so often, I need to write something about a controversial matter, but I do so in a positive way. So I put a little sugar on it. With every comment, I respond with a little sugar. You can literally say anything to a person and communicate your point, no matter how controversial if you filter it through love and respect… maybe not for the person, but at least for the Almighty. Sometimes I just type in the Holy Ghost because in and of myself– I just can’t.

The fact of the matter is that social media is a record for you, or against you. Every tweet is recorded and heads to the Library of Congress. Your posts literally are RECORDING history!!! (Can we say primary sources?) Only you can decide how it will be used. If you approach your posts with the mind that EVERYTHING that goes up can be shared, it should bring a pause. Plus your stardom may only exist in your head.

I know this post offends a core group of individuals who feel that any change or derivation from your natural impulses is not being true to oneself. I’m not telling you to NOT be yourself. Be yourself, just smarter.

 

[quote]A wise man once said “It’s better to remain quiet, than type with your thumbs and remove all doubt.” Well, that’s kinda what he said. But you get the point.[/quote]

 

 

With love, sincerity, and hope for your future,

 

Alana

Being Smart, Family, Uncategorized

All the Bad Things I’ve Done As a Mother

[dropcap style=”font-size: 45px; color: #55cfbb;”]E[/dropcap]veryone has an opinion about how children should be raised. Outside of two resources that I can recall, a blog titled Raising Godly Tomatoes and a book about raising strong-willed children (scroll all the way down to my footer to see the book info), I can’t really think of a resource that’s given me such great advice that I’d swear by it. And there’s the Bible of course. Not all of us are nurturers by nature, but I want to share all the bad things I’ve done as a mother to my children just to prove to you that what’s bad for one may be great for another. And all the research may be chalked up to someone’s dissertation hours instead of actual parenting…

  • I nursed one longer than the other.
  • For the past eight years, they’ve slept in the bed with me more often than not. They’re just now starting to venture out on their own.
  • We skip school sometimes to stay home to rest or worship.
  • I let one go to school knowing he had not brushed his teeth or put on deodorant. He needed to learn his lesson.
  • I let the other wear pink nearly every day.
  • I believed Brandon when he told me it was dress-up day at school and let him wear his Batman costume. It was actually “Sunday’s Best” dress up day hence the featured photo.
  • I tell them about Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.
  • I totally forgot the kids lost teeth. At one point they were falling like dominos.
  • I took the tooth and forgot to leave the money.
  • I left the money and forgot to take the teeth.
  • I got a divorce.
  • I spank them when they tell each other’s business.
  • I don’t always spank them when they lie.
  • I can’t say no to school fundraisers… not because I want to buy the crap… but because they want that stupid prize at the end.
  • I let them do the current dances provided they aren’t impure. I don’t know the dances myself, but I like to see exactly what they know.
  • I talk trash when we play games, especially any Wii game that involves dancing.
  • I’ve removed some family from their lives, but I let strangers show them affection. Sometimes all the little lady in the mall needs a hug.
  • I allow them to make observations about people and tell me what they see, and we privately address it.
  • I follow their lead.
  • I say “no” to things and “yes” to experiences.
  • I put them out of my room.
  • I let them question my dates.
  • When they’re being punished, I never ever ever send them to their room alone. I keep them closer to me and give them things to do.
  • I make them scrub the carpet with Resolve, wash the windows with Windex, and dust with Pledge. They just wash their hands afterwards.

I”m sure you can find something research-driven and maybe even experiential that says my list of 21 things makes me certifiably crazy and therefore a bad mother. But my children are bright, happy, healthy, well-balanced… outside of being messy and moody sometimes, I cannot complain. Everything doesn’t work for everyone.

By the way, I feel guilty for NONE of the above!

Which unconventional methods do you practice with your children that contribute to their well-being?
Tell me about them in the comments section. 

 

With love, sincerity, and hope for your future,

Alana

 

 

Being Single, Being Smart, Dating & Relationships, Uncategorized

How to Break-Up and Stay that Way
Some of us are in bad relationships. If this is you, check out  “Entangled” & “He’s a Good Man, but…” before you read how to break up. Those posts may help you sort your emotions. Others of us have made our way out of bad relationships only to be seduced into flirtations and manipulations after the commitment is long gone. This blog is especially for m— you.

This may be the only time I call myself an expert, but yeah… I am THE break-up expert from both ends of the spectrum. And from my experience, I have learned a single overarching truth.

They always come back.

Always, always, always, always! Even if you were dogged and dragged through the mud, they will come back ready to take you for another ride. But, here’s how you can break up the right way and minimize the foolishness:

  1. Make up your mind before you open your mouth. Emotions need to be dealt with apart from the other person. Seek counsel and comfort from those who love you. Cry, snot, sob, and yell until you get it out. After you’ve dealt with your feelings, make an objective decision. Sharing your feelings with the break-upee before you really know how you feel will open the door for emotional games.
  2. Your decision is NEVER contingent on what the other person will or won’t do. Ultimatums are a no-go. You don’t need anybody to change for you. If you’ve been in a relationship long enough to see that a person isn’t interested in growing together then you have more than enough data stacked against a possible “happily ever after”. If you try to stay to make the person change, they will resent you and you will still be unsatisfied. Make a choice based on what you can or cannot tolerate, not on what they might or might not do.
  3. Tell the truth and shame the devil. This is hard for me. While I am honest, I do not like confrontation. Partake in a confidence-boosting activity (prayer, hardcore rap, push-ups, etc.) before sitting down to have the talk. But when you do have the talk, be direct and clear on your decision. The reasons are less important to express unless the other person asks for them. In that case, I give my personal heartfelt opinion of what didn’t work for me while NEVER passing judgment on them. My way is not the right way, so I just highlight that compatibility is lacking.
  4. Don’t promise to be friends. Not only is this often impossible, it’s just downright dumb. If you’ve slept together, hurt each other, betrayed trust, etc., you can’t be friends. Don’t waste your breath. Let life take its natural course so healing can begin in both of you. You may cross paths again, and at that point in time, you may decide a friendship is appropriate. If you can be friends because you kept your intentions clean, then make the genuine effort to maintain the friendship. Kudos to you for doing things the best way!
  5. Ignore any texts/calls/emails until you are OVER it. You can’t get over the disappointment if the person’s constantly in your thoughts. After you’ve been hurt, your first duty is to forgive so you can heal. People who continually nag and pick at you are predatory in nature. Block them if you must. They other party is responsible for handling his or her own emotions at this point.
  6. Not responding is often the best option. Sounds a lot like the last, but here I am over a year after a (minimal) break-up and receiving surprise texts. I’ve even received a few FB inbox messages and one text from an unknown number. While I’ve responded kindly to some and ignored others, there’s really no need to respond. It’s alright to be mean when it comes to saving your soul. Plus, is it really mean when you know their intentions are wrong?
I write all this in hopes that my loves find their way out of misery and emotional torment and into a safe and secure relationship where you are free to give and receive love as God intended. Never believe the lie that no one will love you or that only one person is right for you. There are many people on this planet with which you are compatible. Think enough of yourself so those options can be presented.
With that said, I hope I don’t have to use my advice again, but if I should, I’ll be less krazy than I was when I didn’t know these things.
I wish you all the best. If you enjoyed this blog, please share, text, email, re-tweet, and post it EVERYWHERE you can! I need more readers! 🙂 I’m also eager to read your comments.
With love, sincerity, and hope for the future,
Alana
Attribution Photo by by EliJerma
Being Single, Being Smart, Uncategorized

Single Lady Law

It took a while for me to reach this point, but I’m truly enjoying my singleness. There are times when I wish I had a little companionship, but if you’ve ever been in a relationship you know that those needs aren’t always met. So I press onward… and in the meantime, I try to abide by a few simple laws to keep myself fabulously feminine and devastatingly desirable. (Ok… I embellished there a little. I do get caught in the mom-teacher frump, but I fight that battle daily.)

 

  1. Shaving is not season-specific. Just because it’s getting chilly and we aren’t showing skin, doesn’t mean we can neglect shaving our legs and underarms. I like to reference Queen Esther. Every day she bathed in myrrh to prepare for her one night with the king, and this was BEFORE he even chose her! I’m not saying shave your legs in hopes someone will one day rub on them, but if that’s your hope… keep’em smooth and shiny even when they’re tucked away.
  2. When undergoing face-altering activities, trust God but pray for the technician. You walk into the shop and spot your favorite eyebrow-waxing technician. But when they seat you, a lady who barely speaks English with drawn-on brows comes to your service. Oh-em-egee! This is SCARY! Yeah, whisper a prayer. One bad stroke, and you’ll be penciling in your brows like your auntie did in the 70’s.
  3. When in doubt, play coy. Unfortunately, people lie. Our girlfriends lie. Guys that pursue us lie. Our bosses lie. Nothing will disarm them and empower you better than a good lash batting. What am I saying exactly? Play dumb!!! You learn so much more when you just close your mouth, listen, and pretend to be the idiot that liars think you are. Confrontation can wait until you’ve gathered all your facts and cooled your jets.
  4. Walk softly, and carry pink lipstick. Remember that Eric Benet song, Femininity? You are a woman for a reason! Be soft, gentle, and sweet. Pray for a quiet spirit and practice meekness. Your strength is in prayer, beauty, the ability to give life, and your submission to God! In short, you never have to be masculine, hard, or overbearing to get things done. Do what you have to do, but be pretty and feminine doing it.
  5. Subtract to multiply. As single women, we tend to invite too many people into our lives. We have so much to give and share, but many of the people in our circle are no good for us. We have to remove those people, so that others who are much more worthy of our time and energy can come into our lives. A few months ago I had to remove a few people from my life, but since then I’ve had deeper, more meaningful relationships with those who are genuine and full of purpose.
  6. Eat your fruit. Yeah, we should all eat healthy foods, but I’m talking about fruits of the spirit. Remember those from Sunday School? Love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Life gives us plenty of opportunities to react with harsh words and bad attitudes. But when I encounter those situations, I feel the Holy Spirit handing me a piece of fruit.
  7. Be seasoned, not salty. No one likes a bad attitude. If you’re still popping your lips, rolling your eyes, and making negative comments about everything, you need to grow up. Develop your personal interests. Read. Write. Take a class. Do something to expand your life experiences. Understanding and wisdom are attractive. Speaking everything that comes to mind is not.
  8. Keep a stash of Tylenol PM. I’ve been singing that old song, “When it’s cold outsiiiide, who are you holding?” Ummm… let me pop a Tylenol PM, hold my pillow, and take my butt to bed. It’s just not worth it!
  9. Single ain’t so bad! Few people realize that being in a bad relationship and lonely is a thousand times worse than being single and lonely. Many married women wish for the freedom that we enjoy. To go shopping and NOT have to hide my new dress in the trunk?! To eat that extra slice of chocolate cake without someone glaring at me sideways?! To not have to cook meatloaf and other manly foods?! Life is GOOD!

 

I’d love to hear what single lady laws abide by. Leave your comments below, and please share, post, email, tweet…

 

 

Enjoy your week, good people!

 

 

Alana

Being Single, Being Smart, Dating & Relationships, Uncategorized

The past week, I’ve been dreaming like crazy. More often than not, my dreams have significant meanings… usually something I must pray for or against, as needed. But a few slipped past my prayer radar, and I mistook them as the aftermath of eating way too late at night. At the risk of opening a window for you to peek into my soul, I will share one with you… hopefully to your benefit.

So I walked into one of my favorite lunch spots thinking I’d order my usual. I didn’t even bother to look at the menu when I confidently announced that I wanted Japanese Pan Noodles with Shrimp and extra veggies. The cashier looked at me with a scowl and said “We don’t serve that anymore. Our whole menu has changed.” Naturally, I considered leaving the restaurant, but since I was hungry and I believed in the quality of food the place served, I decided to at least look over the new menu. NOTHING seemed to be the same. I consider myself to be an adventurous eater, but most of the items on the list seemed… well, out of my tastes or bland. The cashier glared at me and said, “Well… are you gonna try something new?”



For YEARS I’ve been eating from the same menu. I love a big, juicy beefsteak kinda guy with bulky muscles, high testosterone, and a ego that stretches to the sky. Typically I prefer brown to dark-skinned fellas, but I wouldn’t pass up a cutie with a lighter hue. Before long, I realized one thing. No matter how different they seem to be, the guys I chose were all the same.


The conversations were the same. They spent hours talking about themselves in the most shallow contexts… parties, favorite models and celebrities, and high school sporting events.


The silly games were the same. They would pursue me tirelessly, and despite my reservations, I’d give in… Then of course, their interest waned.


The results were the same. I could accurately predict the next move a fella would make. I knew when the confession of love would come, and the imminent disappearing act. 


They really were all the same!


That’s not to say that all men are the same. I would never make such a heartless and foolish generalization. I am saying, however, that my lack of self-worth and fear of being alone rendered me a repeat offender in bad date selection.


And doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting a different result is called… say it with me… INSANITY!



So, really who’s to blame? Those cocky fellas whose egos are still in tact, OR me? Put your hands down! That was a rhetorical question… Don’t be so quick to exonerate them. 🙂


I’m not going to delve into the steps needed to change your tastes because I don’t have them. What I do know is that there is another type of man out there that is confident, humble, and faithful at heart…. That’s the type of guy that will earn my affections. As it stands today, my tastes have changed enough for me to recognize that these men come in different packages. Unless I’m totally repulsed by that package, why not give someone who’s honorable an hour or two of my time simply to discover?


One more thing… all the dating books say that we should write a list of the qualities we want in a mate. I totally agree with that, but I’m going to “one up” the books. The list should be a living document. Revisit and edit it every so often. I’m a fairly quiet person, and after a date with a guy who talked for 3 hours straight, I prefer to be with someone who’s a little less chatty (read “insecure”). When I do, I plan to organize those qualities into two different categories: non-negotiable and negotiable.


The non-negotiable things have little to do with my appetite for a muscle-y man, but EVERYTHING to do with his character. I must be with a man that loves and hears from God. His belief system must be similar to my own… That, for me, is non-negotiable.


Now that I’m a little older and much wiser (I have the gray hairs to prove it), I don’t feel so drawn to the man with JERK written across his t-shirt. I’ve set myself free to enjoy some new, more satisfying personalities. This is the area in which my appetite needs some changing. But like I said before… this journey has only begun. 


So sorry… no satisfying written conclusion here, but maybe a reader or two will have a story to share?? But in the meantime….


Are you going to try something new??? 




Your cybersister,


Alana

Being Single, Being Smart, Dating & Relationships, Uncategorized

It seems many of you are reading on the sly, but I’m proud to say I have almost 1000 hits! AND I’ve made it to Pakistan. Hi, Naila! And Australia… What’s up, Sean? And to a few other places in Europe. I don’t know who’s reading there, but I’m hoping you ALL stay with me. And would you be so kind as to pass me on? 🙂
I have one more piece of business before I carry on with today’s controversial title. I just want to make it perfectly clear that I am NOT in any way searching for romantic love. Yes, I want it, but looking for it is not the way to obtain it. Having said that, I know it’s close by… I keep looking at my left ring finger expecting a big, shiny rock to blind me. Soon enough… it will happen.
So why am I writing all this kraziness? Well for one, it’s therapeutic for me. Two, it may be therapeutic for you. At the very least you’ll discover that you’re not the only nutty person on the planet. And three, to help somebody else with my personal experiences… I didn’t go through all this crap for nothing!
But I’ve delayed long enough. On to the topic at hand!
I think it is EXTREMELY important to find the best in people. I try to always let a person know what I think is great about them. If he’s handsome, I’ll tell him. If he’s smart, I’ll let him know. If I’ve got to dig really deep to find something good to say to a person, I give them a compliment on faith. Faith kind of works like credit… you tell them what they could become to move them forward. People need to feel valued, and even though you may not be around long, it’s best that you treat the other person with the utmost dignity and respect.
But!! Oh my goodness… what a big BUT (and I’m not talking about Serena’s) we have to discuss!
Every person, regardless of how much good they have, has some bad. Most of us just let it hang out, while a few who want to do right try to keep it tucked away. So yes, when you spend time with someone you’ll find both good and bad. But where should the line be drawn?
These are the pieces I’ve found in men & women that indicate there WILL be trouble up ahead. And a wise man sees trouble from a long distance and HIDES himself. You got that? Yeah, that’s Bible for ya!
  1. There are TOO many friends of the opposite sex. Now if the person is active in a community like church or work, you may see this trend, but that’s not what I’m discussing. But if you’re seeing crazy FB posts and tweets, don’t ignore them. If that person is sitting beside you and trying to sneak text, don’t ignore that either! (Had to get that out!) You’re just one of the bunch. I guess being one of many is okay if you’re not serious about settling down. But knowing how ladies can be, most of us do want that security. So if he’s a good man with too many female friends (and the converse), and you can’t meet those friends in a reasonable time, said person is not the one for you! In the sweetest kindest manner possible, walk away and don’t look back.
  2. Her or his recent past is jacked up. I know a REALLY sweet guy whose last two years have been laced with one bad decision after another. I’m in NO position to judge, and he gets the utmost respect from me because he keeps his head held high. However, just because I’m intent on remaining nonjudgmental does NOT mean that I should ignore what’s going in his life. The bottom line is this. We all pay for the bad choices we make, and if you know a person consistently makes bad choices, they won’t start making good ones just because you’re in the picture. And unfortunately consequences can last a lifetime. How willing are you to help someone else pay the price for their wrong-doing? That’s a rhetorical question that you really should take the time to answer. (Ow!)
  3. He or she is seething with anger and bitterness. I know men say that women are bitter, but if you’ve ever met a divorced man, you’ll quickly discover that they take bitterness to a whole new level. I mean… they want you to be mad at the ex-wife who cheated on them years ago. I ain’t mad at her! You still love her. Go back and deal with that!
  4. She or he has low self-esteem. It’s easy to tell a woman with low self-esteem in most cases. I think it’s safe to say 90% of us suffer from it at one time or another. But a man with low self-esteem is often very hard to identify. Here’s how to tell for both sexes…. they can’t accept compliments, they don’t give any compliments, they don’t call when they say they will, they bring up sex when it has nothing to do with anything, they claim you’ll become addicted, they fall too fast and too hard, they entertain others with low self-esteem, they are a control freak, they run through several boyfriends or girlfriends in a short period of time, they do a disappearing act. Anything that exerts unnecessary power in the relationship or boosts their ego is a definite sign someone is struggling with his or her self-worth. People with self-esteem issues need to work through those problems ON THEIR OWN. Plus low self-esteem is also the leading cause of infidelity in relationships. Do I have a statistic back that up? No, I have personal experience. Good enough for you?
  5. You’re being blamed for issues that belong to them. This has happened to me twice today, quite possibly because I knew I needed to write about it. People play this game to manipulate. I HATE manipulation. Don’t give in to this foolishness. Like I said in another post… speak the truth and end the conversation. If you can’t do that, just end the conversation and don’t look back. This person’s feelings are not worth sparing.
I’m sure you can come up with many more negative qualities that may outweigh the good ones, but I bet they’ll fall into these categories… with the exception of one. “He’s a good man, but he’s gay.” This is quite possibly THE most disappointing of all the statements but there really isn’t a darn thing you can do about any, now is there? Lol…
My hope is that you found this entry balanced and informative. This is, by no means, male or female-bashing, but is an investigation as to why we ignore the most obvious signs of future demise. Turning a blind eye won’t make the problem go away. Honor what’s good in a person, but don’t get caught up in what could be.
Share your thoughts…
Your cybersister,
Alana
Being Single, Being Smart, Dating & Relationships, Uncategorized

scandaLIESed

For shame, for shame… I’ve found myself in the same crappy situation. Lonely and loveless, I’ve given too much, and there’s nothing to show for it but my tears and seething anger. I can’t really decide whether to be angry with him or with myself. Since I’m an introvert I turn my anger inwards and eat too much, then eat too little, work out like a maniac, sleep all day, stir all night. I envy the extroverts who speak up for themselves and beat the fool out of their men. But either way, there’s no rest and no peace because once again, I’ve been scandaLIESed.

Did I misspell that? Of course, but for good reason. Am I speaking of myself? Yeah, but the krazier me…. the one that couldn’t make sense of simple truths about other peoples’ intentions. I am no longer that person.

Too many of us find ourselves trapped by bad decisions. We’re left with the guilt and embarrassment, and often, weightier consequences like unexpected children and infections. (My personal experience is that even unexpected children are a blessing, most infections can be cured with a pill, but the guilt is earth-shaking for YEARS! But the bloood of Jesus is more than enough!! *Gotta get my preach in there a little bit…*)

When I think back to those situations, and there were many for me, I come up with the same answers. Somebody somewhere told a lie… let’s start with the first responsible party. You… Oops, I meant me.

  1. You lied to yourself. How many times have you gone out with a person that you weren’t really attracted to just to humor them, or someone else? A good friend of mine warned me against this. If you’re lonely enough you could fall in love with the Hunchback of Notre Dame, and that cocky bama will still break your heart. If you think he’s too tall, too short, too ugly… leave it be. Plus I recently went out with someone who made it clear he wasn’t attracted to me. I didn’t know he felt that way going into it the date, but I wish his blind butt hadn’t wasted my time.
  2. You’ve been lied to, and you believed it. The Lord rebuked me a few weeks ago for believing someone when they told me that they loved me. I knew full well that the person was not capable of love, but I accepted his good intentions as truth. That poor guy was eventually trapped by his own words when he couldn’t live up to making the choice to love me on a daily basis. Who’s to blame here? Well, of course, he should know better, but I’m responsible too. Just because he said it, doesn’t mean I had to believe it. In fact, I should’ve set him straight immediately. Ladies, we set the standards for relationships, and sometimes we have to make the fellas back up. I apologized to that joker for believing him… The Lord made me do it. (He can be so unfair at times.) The joker responded “Ok… no problem. Who is this?” LOL… No apology in return, but that would just be too much like right.
  3. You tried to change the intent of something that cannot be changed, i.e. sex. “We’re both adults, so we can have sex with no strings attached. I won’t ask where you’ve been. You don’t ask where I’ve been. No feelings allowed… Just sex.” Have you seen Lord of the Rings? Sex is like the ring. It cannot be controlled. In fact, the ring controls you. No matter HOW you try to redefine the purpose, sex was made to bring to people together by uniting their bodies and souls. So believe that lie if you want, but I promise it will not end well for you. (SB: The worst men will try to convince you that they have feelings for you just to keep you in bed with them.) Don’t make this agreement EVER. By the way, just sleeping with them without having that conversation automatically enrolls you into this type of relationship… for lack of a better term.
  4. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s still a snake. He seems nice, right? But his friend’s list is laced with profile pics of seductive women. Or maybe you’ve dated him before, and it ended badly. I’m not saying don’t give people a chance, but you can rest assured you’re not missing anything with these types. Here’s why. You’re like a rabbit that needs to cross a river. Snake offers to take rabbit across, promising not to bite the rabbit. Even though rabbit is doubtful, she decides to trust snake because snake made a promise, and rabbit is good-natured and, well, trusting. Rabbit and snake get halfway across the river when snake takes a big chunk out of our naive, fluffy friend. Then snake says “You should’ve known I was going to bite you. I’m a snake, and that’s what we do.” Need I say more?
  5. You tried to change something about yourself to become more appealing. I’m not talking about physical qualities. A little lipgloss never hurt anybody. But I used to hold back some things from folks when I first met them so they wouldn’t feel overwhelmed, but those were the exact things that were deal-breakers in the end. Subconsciously I knew that they weren’t right for me. (Boy, am I being transparent?) So now I always tell a person that has expressed interest (or attraction) that I am a celibate woman of faith, I’m divorced, I have two children, and I’m curvy. I risk the rejection early on because if the fella knows I’m not what he wants, he wastes less of my time.

I know I’ve left myself wide open for judgment and criticism, but the truth must be told. Everyone makes mistakes, but women are often left feeling powerless and ashamed after letting down their guard, even when we have the best of intentions. Don’t try to think like a man because you can’t. Think like a woman that has good sense. Give no room to lies whether they be from you or another person because, in the end, you are the only person responsible for your well-being.

Believing the lie empowers the liar. Be bold and confront the liar, even if it’s you, with the truth. The best liars mix deception with a bit of truth to draw you in. Rightly divide, and press on. If all else fails, hang up, delete, and block. No one can argue with silence.

Sisters, it’s time to rip off the scarlet letters that remain from jilted love and lust. There is life beyond the foolishness we’ve encountered, but you have to set the framework in truth and wisdom. No more lies. No more scandals. Open your eyes.


Two final points… not all men do these things, and some do them with good intentions. Just protect yourself from the fella with good intentions that doesn’t know how to follow through. And lastly, some women pull this crap too. I’m just learning how insane some women are, so please be patient with me as I learn to present the full picture. 

Now that I’ve poured out, I want to hear from you. Talk to me people. Let me know you’re following…

Your cybersister,

Alana

Being Single, Being Smart, Uncategorized

Why Blog?

I didn’t really expect to be asked this question so many times, but the asking indicates one of the following: you’re being entertained, you’re being helped, or you’re being offended. I apologize for the latter, but if my previous posts offended you, perhaps you should not continue to follow me. I’d be sad to lose you, but just the same, no sense in your being a glutton for punishment. The terseness will not end here.

One of my colleagues (who demanded I blog tonight) commented that I was surprisingly open and cutthroat at times. I agreed. “But if I don’t show my scars and wounds, how can I help someone who’s dying inside?” I can’t pretend not to notice someone else’s pain when I’ve known it so long myself. I’ve finally come to a place of rest in my life, and even though I don’t have half of what I want or need yet, I’m content.

I’m only mildly annoyed that no one’s asked me how the title of the blog originated, but perhaps my first three posts made asking the question a moot point. But back to what you did ask…
So a few years ago I wanted to start a food blog called Pro-MsQ-us Foodie… I used to be Mrs. Q. See why that won’t work any more? Plus the less-than-tasteful title might give the wrong indication about who I was/used to be/might still be just a little. For that blog, I didn’t do anything more than upload pics of my family. Last year at one point, one of my Facebook friends told me that I could make money from blogging if I provided ad space on my page. Again, I wanted to do it, but didn’t follow through.
Last week, I don’t know what changed really. I was just sitting here (in my writing spot) thinking about things and realized that I had a lot to say and no one to listen. I had spent Saturday night in the emergency room for chest pains and discovered how horrible it must be to live in physical pain everyday. I couldn’t do much else but watch tv and write, and after a marathon of “Say Yes to the Dress” I opted for writing.

Simply put, I’ve been through a lot. I’ve gained perspective on a lot of issues, and though I don’t have all the answers, I do have peace. I can impart that to you at the very least. Of course, I’m only qualified to speak from my own experience, and I won’t presume to delve into anything else. But what I do know: family, food, faith, and failures… I will write about these things.

So what else might you expect from me in the future?

Thought-provoking, faith-building, gut-wrenching, conscience-piercing narratives of truth… I want you to take my story, apply it to your situation, and come to a new conclusion. Perhaps you don’t have all the krazy quirks that I have, but in some form or another, you’ve got some issues too… so let’s find some answers!

Whatever the topic may be, I want my readers to say at least once “I guess I never thought about it that way before.” If you have that moment, share it with me. If you think I’m absolutely insane, you can share that too. If you want to comment on the quality of my writing in a negative way, tell someone else.

Which brings me to sharing… If this blog has helped you in any way, pass it on. Perhaps you know someone who’s dealt with loneliness and abandonment, and there’s nothing you can say to help them. Share the blog. Or maybe you know someone who’s an absolute jerk when it comes to matters of the heart. Pass it on… you don’t have to tell them why. Just pass me on… I’ve made it to Tanzania once, and I’ve got my fingers crossed that a few new more nations will pop up on my audience map. It doesn’t matter where we are on the planet, we all deal with the same painful situations that damage our souls and make us easy prey.

So with that said, I shall continue meditating and reflecting on the things that have changed me, and when the time is right, I shall blog about them.

Join me as I take a few more steps towards a krazy-free lifestyle… And share how your kraziness is coming to an end too.

Your cyber-sister,

Alana

Being Saved, Being Smart, Uncategorized

Definition of Exceptional

 

All my life I’ve wanted to be exceptional. I’ve strived for perfection and excellence in almost every area since I was a small child. In grade school, I only earned A’s. In college, I relished in the fact that I attended one of the top universities in the nation and chose a difficult major. I joined the top sorority, maintained a decent GPA, graduated a semester early, married shortly thereafter, had two beautiful children, earned a Master’s degree while working full-time, and divorced my husband with every bit of dignity I could muster. Even now, as a teacher, I push myself and my students to the limit just to demonstrate that I can do anything short of impossible… not on my own, of course. But with the right help, I most certainly can do it!
Unfortunately, I’ve had this type of zeal in every area of my life… and yes, I do mean unfortunately. I really thought I could do anything until last April when I faced THE most difficult challenge of my life. I shall not blog about it tonight, but I’ll sum it up by saying that my relationship history is ugly. I mean it’s just short of whatever word might be illustrated by a hopeless pit of embarrassment, despair, and bad decision-making. Again, I tried to be exceptional… as in, better than the next woman… as in, I didn’t have to play by the rules to get what or who I wanted. If I was better than the one before me, then why couldn’t I do what (and by what I mean who) I chose?
In retrospect I’ve had two totally different approaches to becoming what I thought was exceptional. Academically, I played by the rules. I applied myself, studied hard, tested well… did what I was required to do and more. With the fellas, I made my own rules. I figured eventually the very next one would be the one that would truly love me forever and ever… because really, that’s what they all say. And why wouldn’t they have loved me? I’m smart, cute, and I cook! What more does a man really need? (Note: I am NOT male-bashing here.)
On my forty-minute commute to work one morning I decided that being exceptional has nothing to do with seeking exceptions. Think about it. Everybody knows that individual who is always looking for a way out. There’s the obnoxious family member that thinks the rules don’t apply. What about the co-worker that expects everyone to come to the rescue when their imminent demise actually does catch up to their foolishness? Picturing anyone yet?
Well, I saw myself. I had no one else to blame for my poor decisions but me. I knew the rules. I had been taught all of the “Thou shalt not’s” and witnessed the result in others just as hard-headed as I was. Yet, because I thought I was exceptional…
So what makes a person truly exceptional? For me, now, being exceptional is understanding the rules and guidelines set before me. If I want to be great, then I can work my magic within the framework and, against all odds, come out on top. When a situation is absolutely impossible, I pray. Honestly, I pray anyway.
What peace of mind I’ve gained in realizing that I’m just not that great! I’m not perfect, and I don’t have to be. And really, life isn’t about me. And rules, they’re just in place to guide me down life’s little paths of impossibilities. As a child, it was right of me to want to be the best. As an adult, it’s best of me to do what’s right.
I’m coming out of krazy, ya’ll. Join me on the ride.
Always,
Alana