- There are TOO many friends of the opposite sex. Now if the person is active in a community like church or work, you may see this trend, but that’s not what I’m discussing. But if you’re seeing crazy FB posts and tweets, don’t ignore them. If that person is sitting beside you and trying to sneak text, don’t ignore that either! (Had to get that out!) You’re just one of the bunch. I guess being one of many is okay if you’re not serious about settling down. But knowing how ladies can be, most of us do want that security. So if he’s a good man with too many female friends (and the converse), and you can’t meet those friends in a reasonable time, said person is not the one for you! In the sweetest kindest manner possible, walk away and don’t look back.
- Her or his recent past is jacked up. I know a REALLY sweet guy whose last two years have been laced with one bad decision after another. I’m in NO position to judge, and he gets the utmost respect from me because he keeps his head held high. However, just because I’m intent on remaining nonjudgmental does NOT mean that I should ignore what’s going in his life. The bottom line is this. We all pay for the bad choices we make, and if you know a person consistently makes bad choices, they won’t start making good ones just because you’re in the picture. And unfortunately consequences can last a lifetime. How willing are you to help someone else pay the price for their wrong-doing? That’s a rhetorical question that you really should take the time to answer. (Ow!)
- He or she is seething with anger and bitterness. I know men say that women are bitter, but if you’ve ever met a divorced man, you’ll quickly discover that they take bitterness to a whole new level. I mean… they want you to be mad at the ex-wife who cheated on them years ago. I ain’t mad at her! You still love her. Go back and deal with that!
- She or he has low self-esteem. It’s easy to tell a woman with low self-esteem in most cases. I think it’s safe to say 90% of us suffer from it at one time or another. But a man with low self-esteem is often very hard to identify. Here’s how to tell for both sexes…. they can’t accept compliments, they don’t give any compliments, they don’t call when they say they will, they bring up sex when it has nothing to do with anything, they claim you’ll become addicted, they fall too fast and too hard, they entertain others with low self-esteem, they are a control freak, they run through several boyfriends or girlfriends in a short period of time, they do a disappearing act. Anything that exerts unnecessary power in the relationship or boosts their ego is a definite sign someone is struggling with his or her self-worth. People with self-esteem issues need to work through those problems ON THEIR OWN. Plus low self-esteem is also the leading cause of infidelity in relationships. Do I have a statistic back that up? No, I have personal experience. Good enough for you?
- You’re being blamed for issues that belong to them. This has happened to me twice today, quite possibly because I knew I needed to write about it. People play this game to manipulate. I HATE manipulation. Don’t give in to this foolishness. Like I said in another post… speak the truth and end the conversation. If you can’t do that, just end the conversation and don’t look back. This person’s feelings are not worth sparing.
Why? Because it’s too funny not to tell and enough time has passed that I can laugh about it without being too embarrassed. Don’t worry… precautions were taken to protect the feelings of the gentleman who will be utterly shamed and embarrassed in the story I’m about to tell. He’s a nice guy, and I really don’t want him to see this.
So I met this fella online via a very sketchy site introduced to me by a close family member who also had no business on the site. If I told you who the family member was, I’d be dead by morning. (Mama, NO!)
Back to the guy… He was super tall, handsome, and gentle-natured, but dumb as rocks. Normally, I find some sort of intelligence in a person and honor that, but this guy wasn’t working with much at all. To put it simply, he was a muscle head. But after chatting, texting, talking, and inappropriately flirting for months, I decided to meet him anyway.
Anyone who’s ever done online dating will tell you that there is a MAJOR difference between what you see and hear via electronic devices and what you see and hear in person. Well… I could say I was pretty lucky. Mr. Man was just as kind in person as he was on the phone. Unfortunately, he was twice as dense. I remember asking him a few questions and getting blank looks instead of answers. Every few minutes he’d giggle and say “Yeah, girl…” I’d just giggle back.
We ordered our lunch and ate between a few more failed attempts at intelligent conversation. He enjoyed a dish that was covered with tons of melted cheese, onions, and peppers. (Bad date food if you ask me…) I’m sure I ordered some kind of salad pretending to be health-conscious. He paid the bill, and we left… hand in hand.
On our way out of the restaurant, my date stopped to admire our reflection in the glass.
“Don’t we look good together?”
I’m not sure what he saw, but my head reached a little over the top of his belly button and I thought “He’s got to be kidding.” My second thought was that our heights were inversely proportional to our intelligence quotients…. and I just can’t be with a dumb man. (Let me qualify… there are many different ways to be intelligent, all of which are praiseworthy. Everybody has something; but if you have little to nothing, I can’t work with you.) So I could see us going no where fast, yet I remained agreeable and continued to smile. There really was no reason to be ugly…
Our next stop was a movie… something action-oriented, loud, and exciting. The title? I don’t remember. What I do remember, however, was his giant self squirming in the minuscule seat. We tried the cuddling thing… didn’t work. I would lay my head on his shoulder, rest it a few seconds, and then he’d push me up. Not long after, I started hearing tummy gurgles so loud that they made the movie’s surround sound seem a mile away. I wondered why my stomach was so active. Even if I didn’t like him all that much, how embarrassing would that be for me? Then it dawned on me… squirming and gurgling… It wasn’t me! It was him! (You know how it is when you’re sitting close to someone, and you can’t really tell whose stomach it is…) Lucky me…
Right? I mean I am lucky that it’s not MY stomach gurgling. It’s his… Wait a minute. This could turn into something very bad at any moment. Ain’t it funny how luck turns on you?
So the movie ends, and we hop in his super clean car. He heads for the highway. I inquire as to where we’re going next. He says “Just relax, and enjoy the ride.”
He types into his TomTom and heads for 95 north which happened to be seriously backed up. My sensibilities kick in (kinda late, right?) and I insist to know where he’s taking me and why, all of a sudden, he’s acting so strange. I pushed until he answered.
“I need to use the restroom. All that cheese got to me…”
“Are you lactose intolerant?”
“Heh heh… yeah, girl.”
Now I can’t type what I really said to him at that moment… but here’s the censored and listed version.
*Bleep*, are you serious? Why would you order something with all that cheese if you know your body can’t digest it? And if it looked so good and you had to have it, why would you have it on a date? Here’s a McDonald’s you can go there. Why’d you pass the McDonald’s? The Hardee’s? Target’s right around the corner. Where the heck are you going? Don’t you see this traffic!
He wasn’t hearing it. We crept at a mere 25 miles per hour for about 20 minutes passing several exits with blue signs showing places with available RESTROOMS. Dude was stubborn, and I was BEYOND ticked!
All I could do was plan my route of escape just in case noxious gas leaked from my date. Because is this really an IF situation? No… said person has gas, so it’s not about IF he lets it out, but WHEN! The only results from a planned escape would land me stranded outside his car or half-dead inside. I started praying…
A few miles later, he takes an exit off the highway and heads to a hotel. He runs inside and tells me to wait outside. So I’m waiting… and thinking. Thinking… and waiting.
Is this some kind of game? Did he already have a room booked here? He better not ask me to come in if he does. Is he so desperate to get me inside to pull some crap like this? And since when do you have to use a pristine bathroom to do your dirty business? Why am I here? Maybe I can call a taxi back to my car…
Just as I go into another round of the same questions, my text notification sounds…
“So….you wanna get a room while we’re here? ;-)”
You know what? I can’t tell even anymore of this story… let’s just say he and I haven’t seen each other since.
I will say this… Despite the utter embarrassment and shame I felt up to that point, the rest of the date wasn’t a total waste. I just had to redirect his “romantic inquiry” *gags* to a sensible, yet riveting game of UNO at a local park. We did have fun with that.
Moral of the story? Heck if I know… if you’re creative, daring, and punny enough, leave one in the comment box below.
How about this? Don’t lead a brotha on and think ANYTHING will stop him from trying to get the cookies… no matter how sh*tty the situation.
That’s enough foolishness for tonight… I’m looking forward to hearing back from my readers.
For shame, for shame… I’ve found myself in the same crappy situation. Lonely and loveless, I’ve given too much, and there’s nothing to show for it but my tears and seething anger. I can’t really decide whether to be angry with him or with myself. Since I’m an introvert I turn my anger inwards and eat too much, then eat too little, work out like a maniac, sleep all day, stir all night. I envy the extroverts who speak up for themselves and beat the fool out of their men. But either way, there’s no rest and no peace because once again, I’ve been scandaLIESed.
Did I misspell that? Of course, but for good reason. Am I speaking of myself? Yeah, but the krazier me…. the one that couldn’t make sense of simple truths about other peoples’ intentions. I am no longer that person.
Too many of us find ourselves trapped by bad decisions. We’re left with the guilt and embarrassment, and often, weightier consequences like unexpected children and infections. (My personal experience is that even unexpected children are a blessing, most infections can be cured with a pill, but the guilt is earth-shaking for YEARS! But the bloood of Jesus is more than enough!! *Gotta get my preach in there a little bit…*)
When I think back to those situations, and there were many for me, I come up with the same answers. Somebody somewhere told a lie… let’s start with the first responsible party. You… Oops, I meant me.
- You lied to yourself. How many times have you gone out with a person that you weren’t really attracted to just to humor them, or someone else? A good friend of mine warned me against this. If you’re lonely enough you could fall in love with the Hunchback of Notre Dame, and that cocky bama will still break your heart. If you think he’s too tall, too short, too ugly… leave it be. Plus I recently went out with someone who made it clear he wasn’t attracted to me. I didn’t know he felt that way going into it the date, but I wish his blind butt hadn’t wasted my time.
- You’ve been lied to, and you believed it. The Lord rebuked me a few weeks ago for believing someone when they told me that they loved me. I knew full well that the person was not capable of love, but I accepted his good intentions as truth. That poor guy was eventually trapped by his own words when he couldn’t live up to making the choice to love me on a daily basis. Who’s to blame here? Well, of course, he should know better, but I’m responsible too. Just because he said it, doesn’t mean I had to believe it. In fact, I should’ve set him straight immediately. Ladies, we set the standards for relationships, and sometimes we have to make the fellas back up. I apologized to that joker for believing him… The Lord made me do it. (He can be so unfair at times.) The joker responded “Ok… no problem. Who is this?” LOL… No apology in return, but that would just be too much like right.
- You tried to change the intent of something that cannot be changed, i.e. sex. “We’re both adults, so we can have sex with no strings attached. I won’t ask where you’ve been. You don’t ask where I’ve been. No feelings allowed… Just sex.” Have you seen Lord of the Rings? Sex is like the ring. It cannot be controlled. In fact, the ring controls you. No matter HOW you try to redefine the purpose, sex was made to bring to people together by uniting their bodies and souls. So believe that lie if you want, but I promise it will not end well for you. (SB: The worst men will try to convince you that they have feelings for you just to keep you in bed with them.) Don’t make this agreement EVER. By the way, just sleeping with them without having that conversation automatically enrolls you into this type of relationship… for lack of a better term.
- If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s still a snake. He seems nice, right? But his friend’s list is laced with profile pics of seductive women. Or maybe you’ve dated him before, and it ended badly. I’m not saying don’t give people a chance, but you can rest assured you’re not missing anything with these types. Here’s why. You’re like a rabbit that needs to cross a river. Snake offers to take rabbit across, promising not to bite the rabbit. Even though rabbit is doubtful, she decides to trust snake because snake made a promise, and rabbit is good-natured and, well, trusting. Rabbit and snake get halfway across the river when snake takes a big chunk out of our naive, fluffy friend. Then snake says “You should’ve known I was going to bite you. I’m a snake, and that’s what we do.” Need I say more?
- You tried to change something about yourself to become more appealing. I’m not talking about physical qualities. A little lipgloss never hurt anybody. But I used to hold back some things from folks when I first met them so they wouldn’t feel overwhelmed, but those were the exact things that were deal-breakers in the end. Subconsciously I knew that they weren’t right for me. (Boy, am I being transparent?) So now I always tell a person that has expressed interest (or attraction) that I am a celibate woman of faith, I’m divorced, I have two children, and I’m curvy. I risk the rejection early on because if the fella knows I’m not what he wants, he wastes less of my time.
I know I’ve left myself wide open for judgment and criticism, but the truth must be told. Everyone makes mistakes, but women are often left feeling powerless and ashamed after letting down their guard, even when we have the best of intentions. Don’t try to think like a man because you can’t. Think like a woman that has good sense. Give no room to lies whether they be from you or another person because, in the end, you are the only person responsible for your well-being.
Believing the lie empowers the liar. Be bold and confront the liar, even if it’s you, with the truth. The best liars mix deception with a bit of truth to draw you in. Rightly divide, and press on. If all else fails, hang up, delete, and block. No one can argue with silence.
Sisters, it’s time to rip off the scarlet letters that remain from jilted love and lust. There is life beyond the foolishness we’ve encountered, but you have to set the framework in truth and wisdom. No more lies. No more scandals. Open your eyes.
Two final points… not all men do these things, and some do them with good intentions. Just protect yourself from the fella with good intentions that doesn’t know how to follow through. And lastly, some women pull this crap too. I’m just learning how insane some women are, so please be patient with me as I learn to present the full picture.
Now that I’ve poured out, I want to hear from you. Talk to me people. Let me know you’re following…
Everybody’s got the bug! Summertime, hot as it may be, has us wanting to find a (not-so) special someone with which we’d like to enjoy the season’s pleasures. In our desperate attempts to find the right match-up, we put up with less than the best.
Having chatted with some of my friends, male and female, here are some of the WORST unwritten (until now) rules of dating that have been displayed or said.
- You must have a pic to send me on-demand. And if I sext you, you sext back… no questions asked.
- I will classify you as boo, friend, homie, etc. I reserve the right to demote you without notice.
- I will romantically invite you out on a whim, but eventually I will disappear on you at regular intervals. You aren’t the only one I’m entertaining.
- When I tell you that I love you, believe me even though you know I’m full of crap. “Real talk…”
- After some time away from you, I will text “I miss you.” The proper response will be “I miss you too.”
- I’m going to say hateful things to you via text and chat, but put an LOL or LLC on the end… That means you can’t get mad.
- I will end the relationship, unofficially, when I find someone who will give it up, but I’ll still text and call you in case that doesn’t work out. He/she doesn’t have to know.
- I’m only going to call late at night when my other boos aren’t available. That’s the best time to convince you to give me what I want.
- Expect to hear from me before your time of prayer and worship. You’re feeling most forgiving during those times. I will also text you on generic holidays, but I’m going to forget your birthday on purpose… too expensive.
- Even though I know you will be done with me before long, I’m going to comment on all your photos and status updates to make sure you don’t forget about me.
- Don’t try to delete me from your phone or any social networking site. I will find out, become indignant, and harrass you elsewhere.
- When all is said and done, I will self-righteously and angrily tell you all your faults and then delete you from my phone… but I’ve still got your email. If you ever text me, I will respond “Who is this?”
So what do you do with a person who displays such an attitude of entitlement? BLOCK! DELETE! RUN! HIDE! UNFOLLOW! DEFRIEND!
Whatever you have to do, get away! Any person who has such a sense of entitlement will only make you weary in the end.
Besides, if you’re going to the beach, why take sand?
I’m coming out of krazy and staying out by avoiding those with skewed values… Here’s to hoping you’ll join me!
- Wear the tightest, brightest workout clothes possible. To draw attention to your body of course! Whichever parts are more flattering, that’s where you put the color. So, yep, bright pink right across your super booty… that ought to grab some attention as soon as you walk in the door.
- Put on perfume… lots of it… in those key spots. If you’re really working out, you’re going to get a little sweaty, but nothing covers that briny scent like a double dose of Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue. Believe me… he’ll notice.
- Lipgloss and messy bun are a must! Ok… I do this, but for good reason. I don’t go anywhere without lipgloss anyway, and the bun keeps the hair out of my face. But a messy bun will send the message that you’re there to workout, not show off. So you look “focused” but still hot. Plus you’ll need the bun when you get to step 6. Hold your horses… we’ll get there.
- Find a treadmill with a tv. I will explain later…. Just do it!
- Get on the treadmill and program the incline to the “climb the sky” setting and walk! (There’s no way you’ll get me to run on a treadmill… Have you seen the videos when people fall off? Not cute!) If you’re really working it, hold on to the top of the machine. It makes your waist look super slim… And every so often make sure you add a little jiggle or sway to your hips. You may not be able to look behind you, but I guarantee someone’s watching.
- Turn to ESPN and shout strategically at the tv. This is the killer move that is ONLY for women who are serious about snatching up a dude. One of my BFF’s in college discovered that a guy she liked became more interested when he thought she liked sports. She’d watch SportsCenter before visiting him, and then once she was at his house, she’d watch it again with him and scream at the bad calls along with the commentators. Yeah, he bought it. I’m not saying go this far… but if you’ve managed to land on SportsCenter or some game, then pick a side (i.e. choose a color) and yell at the tv. It’s amazing what a strategically-placed grunt can do for piquing a man’s interest.
- Every few minutes take down your bun and shake your hair loose. Then quickly twist it back up. Men love hair… especially if it’s real! But whatever you’re working with, shake it out a little. Then, seamlessly twist it back up into your messy bun and keep going. Something about wet, messy hair… (But beware of the sensible woman that may be next to you. She may get tired of your shameless ploys for attention and snatch you and your messy bun off the treadmill.)
- When you’re finished your workout, slowly bend over and streeeeeeeeeeeetch. This move is only for the advanced and serious mate-seekers. If a man stops and speaks to you after watching you bend over, ignore him. He’s no good… But yeah, you did get some attention. That’s what you wanted, right?
- When you’re finished, take a slow, deep sip of water and let out a big sigh when you’re finished. I actually did this one day when someone kept staring at me. I was trying to ignore him, but the water went the wrong way. I ended up choking on the water and coughing it up onto my white t-shirt. He started talking to me, and of course, I couldn’t talk back. All I could do was cover my wet, white t-shirt and get out fast.
- When all else fails, go get on the leg machine that works the inner and outer thighs. Do you really need to ask why?
“Don’t worry, baby. I know there’s confusion. God’s gonna see us through yeah…”
I love the tune and the soulful crooning of a lovedrunk Badu, but when I break down the lyrics (i.e. overanalyze), I wonder why so many of us women end up on the other side of an ugly game. I know she’s talking about the drug game in the song, but I’m using my blogtistic license here.
It’s an epidemic. Woman meets man. Man turns on game. Woman falls for game. Man reveals that he’s playing and blames woman for falling because she should’ve known better. Woman sticks around dissatisfied, disgruntled, and disillusioned hoping for the impossible. Yeah, I know women run game too, so guys, apply accordingly.
So, ladies & gents, where do we go wrong when we meet a potential love? I could write ten steps to choosing the wrong person to love, which I’m TOTALLY qualified to do… Or I could just let Badu do the talking.
“It ain’t that he don’t have education cuz I was right there at his graduation.”
So, he’s got an education? He gets some respect for that. He works hard? That’s even better! But is he demonstrating what he’s learned at whatever level of education he’s attained? Potential is never good enough. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not one of those educated snobs who only talks to men with the degree qualifications that meet or exceed my own. I tend to find many highly-educated men… well, boring. But nothing’s worse than a flirty brother with poor spelling, poor grammar and a lot to say. We all get those messages on Facebook that are hard to decipher. “You used to look good in high school but now you still do too.” Yeah, that’s in my inbox. I have yet to reply.
“But it’s me and baby that he hurts.”
So he loves you so much that he keeps doing what hurts you and hurts the kids too? Let me guess. He’s either doing it for you or he can’t help it. Badu needs to read “The Doormat People.” She’s an accessory to her own victimization, and the children will only resent her later.
“Because I tell him right, he thinks I’m wrong. But our love is strong.”
Sorry, Badu. Even the good ones don’t want to know when they’re wrong. That’s just the nature of a man. Even my six-year old son has to always be right. If he puts his underwear on backwards, he’ll argue with me even though he can’t find a way to pee straight. But there is a way to let a man know when things are starting to sour… that’s another blog for another day.
“Gave me the life that I came to live.”
What the heck? No, he didn’t. JESUS did that! Get your priorities straight…
“Pressure’s on me, but the seed is grown. I can’t make it on my own.”
A real man will always take the pressure OFF, and he’ll never take your power away by planting seeds of insecurity. God gave man authority, but the woman has power. Wield it wisely, ladies. Never give away what God has given you!
Let’s backtrack to when Erykah first met this fella. At some point she knew that he had some other stuff going on and decided to roll the dice anyway. Why would anyone ignore the obvious signs? Well, loneliness can get the best of us. But one thing is certain; desperation landed our beloved Badu in another bad relationship. (And when I say Badu, I mean krazy me and maybe krazy you too…) Not too long thereafter, she’s telling her boo that he needs to call Tyrone…
So how do we keep ourselves on the other side of the game? If we want love, do we have to play along? I will admit I’ve gone out with people that I didn’t really like for boredom’s sake. One guy (who’s reading from his iPad) posted on Facebook that a certain woman (me) was making him rethink his game. Just that admission has disqualified him from having a chance at spending anymore time with me. (Angry text ensuing…)
I’ve discovered a few tactics to maintaining a “game-free” life. So here goes. If you meet someone and think you might be interested…
- Listen for what he wants. I like to know what a man ultimately wants from a relationship. Some day (not any time soon), I’d like to be married again. If he never wants to be married, then we don’t have the same aspiration, and I’ll end up wasting my time if I continue with him. People tend to be more honest early on because the stakes are low. Believe a person when they tell you or show you who they are.
- Listen for how he wants it. You want to know what his religious and moral beliefs are, but other convictions matter too. Life perspective is a HUGE consideration for me. For example, I subscribe to the “Life is short, so do it right the first time” way of living. I can’t be with someone who subscribes to the “Life is short, so live it up at all costs” way of living. Judgments aside, it just doesn’t work.
- Listen to how much he’s saying. Does he talk too much? One of my associates talks so much that he just bores me to tears. He’s a sweet guy, but boring! Does he talk too little? Ummm… did you call me so I could listen to you watch the basketball game? I have better things to do… like talk to myself. Does he do a disappearing act and a random check-up to make sure you don’t forget him? Play along for fun, but don’t get sucked in… LOL!
- Listen to what he’s NOT saying. Recently a fella asked me what I’d heard about him because I didn’t seem to be interested. My response: “What have you done that you don’t want me to know about?” Oh… and there’s the guy who has options. What he’s not saying is that if I don’t give him what he wants, he can get it elsewhere. My response: “Use your options. Not me…”
- Listen! That means be quiet! Smile outside and scream inside. Think critically, but don’t breathe a word of it. Instead, ask a follow-up question. And don’t tell him too much about your personal convictions up front. Guys with weak game always play the “me too” game. If I say that I’m a Christian, he says “Oh yeah? Me too!”
With all of that said, there is hope for those us want the real thing. There’s no need to settle for a silly player and then ask God to bless our mess. Eventually Badu had to put Tyrone out, but only after suffering more damage than any person should sustain.
I won’t say that my transition to this point was quick or even easy. I won’t even say that where I am now is all that much fun. It’s been a while since I’ve been on a date that I’ve truly enjoyed. But what I can say is that I’m not lonely, and I enjoy possessing my soul. And when the time comes for my future husband to enter my life, I will be ready because I kept myself on the other side of very dirty and damaging game.
For those of you struggling, my heart goes out to you… Here’s some encouragement from a more positive and empowering song.