Posts made in July, 2011

Entangled: The Reason You Can’t Let Go

Posted by on Jul 20, 2011 in Being Single, Dating & Relationships, Uncategorized | 2 comments

Entangled: The Reason You Can’t Let Go

 

Notice that in the title I used the word can’t… not won’t…. because one literally lacks the power to break free.

Let me paint a picture for you.

Imagine a beautiful, colorful butterfly floating freely in a meadow. It dances across the tops of lilies and violets fulfilling its purpose in life without any care or concern in the world, but one… the search of love. In its course of duty the butterfly crosses the path of a dark, mysterious spider who weaves a silken web of words and deeds to win the butterfly’s heart. Butterfly, naive as it may be, is still cautious of getting too close to the spider… after all flies get trapped with those things. Not beautiful butterflies! Nonetheless, butterfly is intrigued by spider’s enticing and glistening web. What’s more is that spider has eight arms with which to hold our floating friend…. and many eyes to see the need in butterfly’s longing soul.

Spider entices butterfly to lean in for a kiss, and weakened by the words and gentle caresses of our savvy antagonist, butterfly finds itself trapped in spider’s web. For a while, it seems nice to have another close by… But as spider closes the space between them, butterfly finds itself even more stuck in spider’s web. Butterfly enjoys the feeling of security. I mean, who wants to fly freely when you can be so deeply and passionately loved and appreciated? Relishing the feeling of being wanted, butterfly spreads its wings to embrace spider and finds itself completely and overwhelmingly entangled… 

Butterfly croons “This must be love.”



Notice in the tale above there are no “he’s” or “she’s”. I realize that most of us will associate butterfly with a female, but I’m just using it to illustrate the well-meaning, but weak character who longs for love and will settle. Guys, if it makes you feel better, you can be a dragonfly.

Spider, well… you get that! Spider is the charmer that reels you, tells you all the things you want to hear, and gets you trapped! What’s more is that a spider will leave you stuck in the web, build a web elsewhere, trap some other well-meaning insects, then come back to feast on your self-esteem when it’s hungry.

So are you a trapped member of the lepidoptera phylum? (Nerd speak… sorry.) This entry is for those entangled and unable to let go of someone who only creates hurt and shame. Am I speaking of romantic love? Possibly… but I feel that entanglements can happen in ANY relationship. At the moment, I can say that I have female friends with which I’ve become far too entangled in their affairs of life. Instead of being a support system, I’ve become the source of life… They suck me dry!

But romantic relationships are, by far, the trickiest. How can you tell whether there’s real love in place versus an unhealthy attachment of souls? Let’s go back to our characters and study their habits.

  1. It feels like it’s meant to be even when everything goes wrong. It can feels so good to be attached that we nurture the feeling instead of the relationship. Butterfly and spider have a natural and powerful connection in nature, but theirs is a predator-prey relationship… not a partnership. Discern your purpose in spider’s life. It’s never to get caught in the web.
  2. You think spider’s trapped in the web too, but you realize he/she is much more adept at handling sticky situations than you are. Remember that spider weaved the web. While you may think he or she is as in deep in love as you are, take note to how easily they side step when you need them. I knew a guy who would tell me a thousand times over the phone and text that he loved me, but would NEVER say it to my face. Talk about a side-stepping somebody…
  3. Spider won’t leave you alone… for long. I asked this same person to leave me alone SEVERAL times. For months I didn’t contact him or respond to any of his advances. He persisted all the more. I gave in for a short time, then quickly came to my senses. When I told him where he could go with all his crap, he sent me back a polite “No.” LOL… Took some time but I think he’s gotten trapped in his own web. What matters most is that I’m not in it with him!
  4. You think of them, and they contact you. You can feel the stringy web start to vibrate your wings as spider stealthily approaches the web. ]You can literally feel the person thinking about you. Your soul knows it, and your body knows it.  Usually these kinds of connections come from sexual contact, but if you’ve ever made a promise to “love forever” you’ve opened yourself to that soul tie. Then, at times, that still small  voice may warn you to prepare yourself… because that still small voice knows that you’re entangled.
  5. You start weaving a web of your own. Quite possibly the most convincing evidence anyone may have of entanglement is that you become like your predator. You learn their tricks and start trapping a few empty souls of your own to feast upon. Natural animal response, right? But you’re not an animal. God has equipped you with a conscience and sensibilities. Your broken heart does not permit you to break others’…
  6. You miss your floating freedom, but you don’t want to let go. A true loving relationship won’t stifle your inner peace and freedom. I remember sitting beside a guy and watching a movie and thinking “I wish we would just end this.” I felt so boxed-in, but not because of anything he did in particular. We had just moved too fast (and this was without sex), and I felt forced to keep up the charade. When we did part ways, it was UGLY! But at least I’m free… at least I think I am. (I really am pondering this…)

I doubt that anyone who’s read this can honestly say they’re free from ANY entanglements. Naturally, some are good, but we must relieve ourselves of relationships that leave us empty and unsatisfied. Some of us are entangled in more than one web which truly explains why we have no inner peace or confidence.

 

I didn’t write all of this just to leave you dazed in your circumstances… but the first step to freedom is acknowledging that you are, indeed, entangled, and not in love. Love gives, not takes away.

 

So how do we become free? Well… I need more time to think about that. Until then, let’s all investigate those closest to us and figure out who’s got the wrong kinds of strings attached to our wings.

 

 

Love you all… and with that, I bid you goodnight.

 

 

 

Your cybersister,

 

 

Alana

 

 

P.S. Special thanks to my Jiminy Cricket who gave me an idea of the butterfly and spider relationship…

 

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“He’s a good man, but….”

Posted by on Jul 15, 2011 in Being Single, Being Smart, Dating & Relationships, Uncategorized | 3 comments

It seems many of you are reading on the sly, but I’m proud to say I have almost 1000 hits! AND I’ve made it to Pakistan. Hi, Naila! And Australia… What’s up, Sean? And to a few other places in Europe. I don’t know who’s reading there, but I’m hoping you ALL stay with me. And would you be so kind as to pass me on? :)
I have one more piece of business before I carry on with today’s controversial title. I just want to make it perfectly clear that I am NOT in any way searching for romantic love. Yes, I want it, but looking for it is not the way to obtain it. Having said that, I know it’s close by… I keep looking at my left ring finger expecting a big, shiny rock to blind me. Soon enough… it will happen.
So why am I writing all this kraziness? Well for one, it’s therapeutic for me. Two, it may be therapeutic for you. At the very least you’ll discover that you’re not the only nutty person on the planet. And three, to help somebody else with my personal experiences… I didn’t go through all this crap for nothing!
But I’ve delayed long enough. On to the topic at hand!
I think it is EXTREMELY important to find the best in people. I try to always let a person know what I think is great about them. If he’s handsome, I’ll tell him. If he’s smart, I’ll let him know. If I’ve got to dig really deep to find something good to say to a person, I give them a compliment on faith. Faith kind of works like credit… you tell them what they could become to move them forward. People need to feel valued, and even though you may not be around long, it’s best that you treat the other person with the utmost dignity and respect.
But!! Oh my goodness… what a big BUT (and I’m not talking about Serena’s) we have to discuss!
Every person, regardless of how much good they have, has some bad. Most of us just let it hang out, while a few who want to do right try to keep it tucked away. So yes, when you spend time with someone you’ll find both good and bad. But where should the line be drawn?
These are the pieces I’ve found in men & women that indicate there WILL be trouble up ahead. And a wise man sees trouble from a long distance and HIDES himself. You got that? Yeah, that’s Bible for ya!
  1. There are TOO many friends of the opposite sex. Now if the person is active in a community like church or work, you may see this trend, but that’s not what I’m discussing. But if you’re seeing crazy FB posts and tweets, don’t ignore them. If that person is sitting beside you and trying to sneak text, don’t ignore that either! (Had to get that out!) You’re just one of the bunch. I guess being one of many is okay if you’re not serious about settling down. But knowing how ladies can be, most of us do want that security. So if he’s a good man with too many female friends (and the converse), and you can’t meet those friends in a reasonable time, said person is not the one for you! In the sweetest kindest manner possible, walk away and don’t look back.
  2. Her or his recent past is jacked up. I know a REALLY sweet guy whose last two years have been laced with one bad decision after another. I’m in NO position to judge, and he gets the utmost respect from me because he keeps his head held high. However, just because I’m intent on remaining nonjudgmental does NOT mean that I should ignore what’s going in his life. The bottom line is this. We all pay for the bad choices we make, and if you know a person consistently makes bad choices, they won’t start making good ones just because you’re in the picture. And unfortunately consequences can last a lifetime. How willing are you to help someone else pay the price for their wrong-doing? That’s a rhetorical question that you really should take the time to answer. (Ow!)
  3. He or she is seething with anger and bitterness. I know men say that women are bitter, but if you’ve ever met a divorced man, you’ll quickly discover that they take bitterness to a whole new level. I mean… they want you to be mad at the ex-wife who cheated on them years ago. I ain’t mad at her! You still love her. Go back and deal with that!
  4. She or he has low self-esteem. It’s easy to tell a woman with low self-esteem in most cases. I think it’s safe to say 90% of us suffer from it at one time or another. But a man with low self-esteem is often very hard to identify. Here’s how to tell for both sexes…. they can’t accept compliments, they don’t give any compliments, they don’t call when they say they will, they bring up sex when it has nothing to do with anything, they claim you’ll become addicted, they fall too fast and too hard, they entertain others with low self-esteem, they are a control freak, they run through several boyfriends or girlfriends in a short period of time, they do a disappearing act. Anything that exerts unnecessary power in the relationship or boosts their ego is a definite sign someone is struggling with his or her self-worth. People with self-esteem issues need to work through those problems ON THEIR OWN. Plus low self-esteem is also the leading cause of infidelity in relationships. Do I have a statistic back that up? No, I have personal experience. Good enough for you?
  5. You’re being blamed for issues that belong to them. This has happened to me twice today, quite possibly because I knew I needed to write about it. People play this game to manipulate. I HATE manipulation. Don’t give in to this foolishness. Like I said in another post… speak the truth and end the conversation. If you can’t do that, just end the conversation and don’t look back. This person’s feelings are not worth sparing.
I’m sure you can come up with many more negative qualities that may outweigh the good ones, but I bet they’ll fall into these categories… with the exception of one. “He’s a good man, but he’s gay.” This is quite possibly THE most disappointing of all the statements but there really isn’t a darn thing you can do about any, now is there? Lol…
My hope is that you found this entry balanced and informative. This is, by no means, male or female-bashing, but is an investigation as to why we ignore the most obvious signs of future demise. Turning a blind eye won’t make the problem go away. Honor what’s good in a person, but don’t get caught up in what could be.
Share your thoughts…
Your cybersister,
Alana
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A Sh*tty Situation: Quite Possibly my Most Embarrassing Date Ever

Posted by on Jul 13, 2011 in Being Single, Dating & Relationships, Uncategorized | 2 comments

A Sh*tty Situation: Quite Possibly my Most Embarrassing Date Ever

Why? Because it’s too funny not to tell and enough time has passed that I can laugh about it without being too embarrassed. Don’t worry… precautions were taken to protect the feelings of the gentleman who will be utterly shamed and embarrassed in the story I’m about to tell. He’s a nice guy, and I really don’t want him to see this.

So I met this fella online via a very sketchy site introduced to me by a close family member who also had no business on the site. If I told you who the family member was, I’d be dead by morning. (Mama, NO!)

Back to the guy… He was super tall, handsome, and gentle-natured, but dumb as rocks. Normally, I find some sort of intelligence in a person and honor that, but this guy wasn’t working with much at all. To put it simply, he was a muscle head. But after chatting, texting, talking, and inappropriately flirting for months, I decided to meet him anyway.

Anyone who’s ever done online dating will tell you that there is a MAJOR difference between what you see and hear via electronic devices and what you see and hear in person. Well… I could say I was pretty lucky. Mr. Man was just as kind in person as he was on the phone. Unfortunately, he was twice as dense. I remember asking him a few questions and getting blank looks instead of answers. Every few minutes he’d giggle and say “Yeah, girl…” I’d just giggle back.

We ordered our lunch and ate between a few more failed attempts at intelligent conversation. He enjoyed a dish that was covered with tons of melted cheese, onions, and peppers. (Bad date food if you ask me…) I’m sure I ordered some kind of salad pretending to be health-conscious. He paid the bill, and we left… hand in hand.

On our way out of the restaurant, my date stopped to admire our reflection in the glass.

“Don’t we look good together?”

I’m not sure what he saw, but my head reached a little over the top of his belly button and I thought “He’s got to be kidding.” My second thought was that our heights were inversely proportional to our intelligence quotients…. and I just can’t be with a dumb man. (Let me qualify… there are many different ways to be intelligent, all of which are praiseworthy. Everybody has something; but if you have little to nothing, I can’t work with you.) So I could see us going no where fast, yet I remained agreeable and continued to smile. There really was no reason to be ugly…

Our next stop was a movie… something action-oriented, loud, and exciting. The title? I don’t remember. What I do remember, however, was his giant self squirming in the minuscule seat. We tried the cuddling thing… didn’t work. I would lay my head on his shoulder, rest it a few seconds, and then he’d push me up. Not long after, I started hearing tummy gurgles so loud that they made the movie’s surround sound seem a mile away. I wondered why my stomach was so active. Even if I didn’t like him all that much, how embarrassing would that be for me? Then it dawned on me… squirming and gurgling… It wasn’t me! It was him! (You know how it is when you’re sitting close to someone, and you can’t really tell whose stomach it is…) Lucky me…

Right? I mean I am lucky that it’s not MY stomach gurgling. It’s his… Wait a minute. This could turn into something very bad at any moment. Ain’t it funny how luck turns on you?

So the movie ends, and we hop in his super clean car. He heads for the highway. I inquire as to where we’re going next. He says “Just relax, and enjoy the ride.”

He types into his TomTom and heads for 95 north which happened to be seriously backed up. My sensibilities kick in (kinda late, right?) and I insist to know where he’s taking me and why, all of a sudden, he’s acting so strange. I pushed until he answered.

“I need to use the restroom. All that cheese got to me…”

“Are you lactose intolerant?”

“Heh heh… yeah, girl.”

Now I can’t type what I really said to him at that moment… but here’s the censored and listed version.


*Bleep*, are you serious? Why would you order something with all that cheese if you know your body can’t digest it? And if it looked so good and you had to have it, why would you have it on a date? Here’s a McDonald’s you can go there. Why’d you pass the McDonald’s? The Hardee’s? Target’s right around the corner. Where the heck are you going? Don’t you see this traffic!

He wasn’t hearing it. We crept at a mere 25 miles per hour for about 20 minutes passing several exits with blue signs showing places with available RESTROOMS. Dude was stubborn, and I was BEYOND ticked!

All I could do was plan my route of escape just in case noxious gas leaked from my date. Because is this really an IF situation? No… said person has gas, so it’s not about IF he lets it out, but WHEN! The only results from a planned escape would land me stranded outside his car or half-dead inside. I started praying…

A few miles later, he takes an exit off the highway and heads to a hotel. He runs inside and tells me to wait outside. So I’m waiting… and thinking. Thinking… and waiting.

Is this some kind of game? Did he already have a room booked here? He better not ask me to come in if he does. Is he so desperate to get me inside to pull some crap like this? And since when do you have to use a pristine bathroom to do your dirty business? Why am I here? Maybe I can call a taxi back to my car…

Just as I go into another round of the same questions, my text notification sounds…

“So….you wanna get a room while we’re here? ;-)”

You know what? I can’t tell even anymore of this story… let’s just say he and I haven’t seen each other since.

I will say this… Despite the utter embarrassment and shame I felt up to that point, the rest of the date wasn’t a total waste. I just had to redirect his “romantic inquiry” *gags* to a sensible, yet riveting game of UNO at a local park. We did have fun with that.

Moral of the story? Heck if I know… if you’re creative, daring, and punny enough, leave one in the comment box below.

How about this? Don’t lead a brotha on and think ANYTHING will stop him from trying to get the cookies… no matter how sh*tty the situation.

That’s enough foolishness for tonight… I’m looking forward to hearing back from my readers.

Your cybersister,

Alana

 

Photo by  nate steiner
Some rights reserved

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scandaLIESed

Posted by on Jul 12, 2011 in Being Single, Being Smart, Dating & Relationships, Uncategorized | 1 comment

scandaLIESed

For shame, for shame… I’ve found myself in the same crappy situation. Lonely and loveless, I’ve given too much, and there’s nothing to show for it but my tears and seething anger. I can’t really decide whether to be angry with him or with myself. Since I’m an introvert I turn my anger inwards and eat too much, then eat too little, work out like a maniac, sleep all day, stir all night. I envy the extroverts who speak up for themselves and beat the fool out of their men. But either way, there’s no rest and no peace because once again, I’ve been scandaLIESed.

Did I misspell that? Of course, but for good reason. Am I speaking of myself? Yeah, but the krazier me…. the one that couldn’t make sense of simple truths about other peoples’ intentions. I am no longer that person.

Too many of us find ourselves trapped by bad decisions. We’re left with the guilt and embarrassment, and often, weightier consequences like unexpected children and infections. (My personal experience is that even unexpected children are a blessing, most infections can be cured with a pill, but the guilt is earth-shaking for YEARS! But the bloood of Jesus is more than enough!! *Gotta get my preach in there a little bit…*)

When I think back to those situations, and there were many for me, I come up with the same answers. Somebody somewhere told a lie… let’s start with the first responsible party. You… Oops, I meant me.

  1. You lied to yourself. How many times have you gone out with a person that you weren’t really attracted to just to humor them, or someone else? A good friend of mine warned me against this. If you’re lonely enough you could fall in love with the Hunchback of Notre Dame, and that cocky bama will still break your heart. If you think he’s too tall, too short, too ugly… leave it be. Plus I recently went out with someone who made it clear he wasn’t attracted to me. I didn’t know he felt that way going into it the date, but I wish his blind butt hadn’t wasted my time.
  2. You’ve been lied to, and you believed it. The Lord rebuked me a few weeks ago for believing someone when they told me that they loved me. I knew full well that the person was not capable of love, but I accepted his good intentions as truth. That poor guy was eventually trapped by his own words when he couldn’t live up to making the choice to love me on a daily basis. Who’s to blame here? Well, of course, he should know better, but I’m responsible too. Just because he said it, doesn’t mean I had to believe it. In fact, I should’ve set him straight immediately. Ladies, we set the standards for relationships, and sometimes we have to make the fellas back up. I apologized to that joker for believing him… The Lord made me do it. (He can be so unfair at times.) The joker responded “Ok… no problem. Who is this?” LOL… No apology in return, but that would just be too much like right.
  3. You tried to change the intent of something that cannot be changed, i.e. sex. “We’re both adults, so we can have sex with no strings attached. I won’t ask where you’ve been. You don’t ask where I’ve been. No feelings allowed… Just sex.” Have you seen Lord of the Rings? Sex is like the ring. It cannot be controlled. In fact, the ring controls you. No matter HOW you try to redefine the purpose, sex was made to bring to people together by uniting their bodies and souls. So believe that lie if you want, but I promise it will not end well for you. (SB: The worst men will try to convince you that they have feelings for you just to keep you in bed with them.) Don’t make this agreement EVER. By the way, just sleeping with them without having that conversation automatically enrolls you into this type of relationship… for lack of a better term.
  4. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s still a snake. He seems nice, right? But his friend’s list is laced with profile pics of seductive women. Or maybe you’ve dated him before, and it ended badly. I’m not saying don’t give people a chance, but you can rest assured you’re not missing anything with these types. Here’s why. You’re like a rabbit that needs to cross a river. Snake offers to take rabbit across, promising not to bite the rabbit. Even though rabbit is doubtful, she decides to trust snake because snake made a promise, and rabbit is good-natured and, well, trusting. Rabbit and snake get halfway across the river when snake takes a big chunk out of our naive, fluffy friend. Then snake says “You should’ve known I was going to bite you. I’m a snake, and that’s what we do.” Need I say more?
  5. You tried to change something about yourself to become more appealing. I’m not talking about physical qualities. A little lipgloss never hurt anybody. But I used to hold back some things from folks when I first met them so they wouldn’t feel overwhelmed, but those were the exact things that were deal-breakers in the end. Subconsciously I knew that they weren’t right for me. (Boy, am I being transparent?) So now I always tell a person that has expressed interest (or attraction) that I am a celibate woman of faith, I’m divorced, I have two children, and I’m curvy. I risk the rejection early on because if the fella knows I’m not what he wants, he wastes less of my time.

I know I’ve left myself wide open for judgment and criticism, but the truth must be told. Everyone makes mistakes, but women are often left feeling powerless and ashamed after letting down their guard, even when we have the best of intentions. Don’t try to think like a man because you can’t. Think like a woman that has good sense. Give no room to lies whether they be from you or another person because, in the end, you are the only person responsible for your well-being.

Believing the lie empowers the liar. Be bold and confront the liar, even if it’s you, with the truth. The best liars mix deception with a bit of truth to draw you in. Rightly divide, and press on. If all else fails, hang up, delete, and block. No one can argue with silence.

Sisters, it’s time to rip off the scarlet letters that remain from jilted love and lust. There is life beyond the foolishness we’ve encountered, but you have to set the framework in truth and wisdom. No more lies. No more scandals. Open your eyes.


Two final points… not all men do these things, and some do them with good intentions. Just protect yourself from the fella with good intentions that doesn’t know how to follow through. And lastly, some women pull this crap too. I’m just learning how insane some women are, so please be patient with me as I learn to present the full picture. 

Now that I’ve poured out, I want to hear from you. Talk to me people. Let me know you’re following…

Your cybersister,

Alana

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