Posts Tagged "husbands"

Holding on to Your Honey: Don’t Run Him Away

Posted by on Jul 21, 2012 in Dating & Relationships, Family, For the Brothers, Uncategorized | 1 comment

Holding on to Your Honey: Don’t Run Him Away

I owe a huge apology to the men out here who are busting their behinds to make things work with women who just don’t get it. Honestly, fellas, I didn’t think you existed. Let’s blame it on… uhhh… daddy issues. :) But here I’ve come to (attempt to) save your day!

I used to think women were always right because, by default, women wouldn’t do anything to tear apart their marriages and families. How naive was I?! It only took me five years of marriage to find out that even within myself was an air of sabotage. I needed and wanted out desperately.

It is my sincere hope that your marriage is a good one, but inevitably hard times will come. As a wife, it is your duty to ensure those “hard times” aren’t instituted by your own fault (…and I’ll write to him later). There are some behaviors that men absolutely hate, and rightfully so. If you want to run your love into, at the very least, emotional isolation, and at the most, the arms of another, well, here’s how you might do it.

Unstable emotions stem from abandonment and rejection and causes us to seek affirmation through cycles of neediness, anger, manipulation, and moments of happiness. We expect the other person to ride the emotional rollercoaster with us as if they owed us the satisfaction of catering to our every whim. We can be happy one minute, sad the next, then angry, yet we never maintain our peace and joy. If every time there’s an issue to be addressed, you fly off the handle, you will inevitably shut yourself out of the conversation. Perhaps you’ve heard “I can’t talk to you about anything.” That’s because when he starts talking, you’ve gone from 0 to 60 in 4.5 without all the pertinent details.

The Word of God admonishes wives to have a quiet spirit, one that is not easily worked up or anxious. If you’re already in this place, then it’s not a switch to turn off, but you need to be healed in your soul through times of prayer, fasting, and maybe even deliverance. Give your husband the peace he deserves so loving communication can blossom in your home.

A side note pertaining to manipulation… people who use manipulation seldom get what they really want. Yes, you might really like that bracelet and twist and turn his arm to get it, but there’s a deeper need that must be met, whether you get the bracelet or not. Maybe your desire is to have the other person show their willingness to bless you. That cannot be expressed to you if you whine, complain, and beg for it. If you have to manipulate someone to give/get/do/say a particular thing, then you won’t be satisfied when it comes.

A wise woman builds her house with words. There was a time that I so desperately wanted out of my “house” that I said just about anything to tear it down. Evil, right? Don’t judge me… I was hurting and looking for a way out. But as angry as I was, it wasn’t a drop in the bucket compared to what I experienced in my home as a child. I love my mother, but she is the high priestess of nagging and harsh words. Sweet Jesus, heal me even now. There is something inherently self-serving and wicked about a person who is constantly contrary seeking to bring others into their miserable condition. What is it you’re constantly striving for? Perfection? Your image to others? None of those things are attainable and controllable. Receive the love of Christ and relaaaaaaax!

You can be bountifully blessed with every natural thing, and no one (especially your husband) will want to share space with you. And never ever ever, in any way, shape, form, or fashion, comment on his apparent lack of manhood. It doesn’t matter how mad he makes you. You will be judged by Almighty for your words, so hold your tongue for your own sake.

Regarding the nagging, just stop it. If after asking him twice, he doesn’t do it, either do it yourself or leave it undone. Be more creative than to whine and cry to have your needs met. Might I suggest cooking a sub par dinner once or twice? I’ve done this before. Works like a charm!

Take a simple hint. Men like pleasure… If you’re not pleasurable, chances are, he won’t want to be around you.

Yes, these jokers do some jacked up stuff, but so do we. And we have no choice but to forgive. Typically, a woman will forgive he expresses genuine contrition for his wrong acts. Should this happen, don’t bring the mess up again. Act like it never happened. This is super difficult for us because we always want evidence to make our case. It is true that people’s actions are indicative of their character, but if we want to see growth in our relationship grace and mercy should abound… not “remember when’s”.

Now what if he’s lying or not sorry? Well forgive ANYWAY! Seek God and use wisdom, but relieve yourself from the hurt. God will handle him promptly.

Yes, these jokers do some jacked up stuff, but so do we. And we have no choice but to forgive. Typically, a woman will forgive he expresses genuine contrition for his wrong acts. Should this happen, don’t bring the mess up again. Act like it never happened. This is super difficult for us because we always want evidence to make our case. It is true that people’s actions are indicative of their character, but if we want to see growth in our relationship grace and mercy should abound… not “remember when’s”.

Now what if he’s lying or not sorry? Well forgive ANYWAY! Seek God and use wisdom, but relieve yourself from the hurt. God will handle him promptly.

Now, ladies, I find it incredibly hard to believe that we’re racking up credit cards behind our menfolks’ backs and stocking up on foolishness. As a wife, you are expected to live within in the means provided, and if you don’t like it, then get your own hustle to contribute to the mix. Our men are busting their backsides at work to provide for us and many are pushing us to do better. Don’t undermine their hard work and dedication over things that won’t matter in the long run.

Target has some nice bags. Nine West has gorgeous shoes. Leave the Luis Vuitton, Coach, and Fendi for later dates when your family is financially stable.

Disclaimer: I’ve been known to hide a dress or two in the trunk of my car, but alas, I am now single and can hang them proudly in my closet. You mad? :)

 

I’m certain this list is not complete, but surely these behaviors fit the bill. Without explanation I could also add refusing to meet his needs (sexual and otherwise), uncleanness, meanness, lack of ambition… the list goes on. These monumental mishaps don’t occur overnight, but day by day as our hearts become hardened and distant from Christ and one another.

Don’t be the reason he chooses to lace up his Nikes and hit the pavement… Should you be guilty of any of the aforementioned offenses, go first to God and ask His forgiveness, then to your honey. Make a conscious and OBVIOUS effort to improve. He may think you’re being snide or manipulative, but ensure him that your change of heart is continual. Keep demonstrating it until he believes you.

Trials will come, but are you contributing to the problem or the solution? What behaviors must you change to keep your husband active, interested, and involved in the relationship?

 

With love, sincerity, and hope for your future,

 

Alana 

Photo credit:  Luc De Leeuw via Compfight

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Readers’ Commentary on “Love Your Husbands” & “Love Your Wives”

Posted by on Jun 4, 2012 in Being Saved, Dating & Relationships, Family, Uncategorized, Video Blogs & Podcasts | 2 comments

Readers’ Commentary on “Love Your Husbands” & “Love Your Wives”

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I’d like to thank all those of you who share your thoughts and opinions with me. I don’t expect everyone to agree, but iron sharpens iron so keep it coming. The video below highlights the most interesting responses sent by readers regarding the “Love Your Husbands: 21 Things You Can Do to Keep Things Interesting” & “Love Your Wives: We’re Not THAT Complicated” posts. See if I mentioned you!!!

 

Enjoy,

 

Alana

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Love Your Wives: We’re Not THAT Complicated

Posted by on May 31, 2012 in Being Saved, Dating & Relationships, Family, For the Brothers, Uncategorized | 8 comments

Love Your Wives: We’re Not THAT Complicated

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The morning after I posted “Love Your Husbands” I received an email from one of my close writer friends. He commented that he was interested to see what I’d come up with for the men. I responded saying that the men’s list would be much shorter and simpler.

His actual reply…. “So women’s needs are less complex (looking outside to see if it’s snowing Smile)?

At the risk of folk laughing me off Twitter, Facebook, and my own website I’m going to say YES… and NO! Shoot… I don’t really know. I just had to sucker you in to reading this post.

What I can say with CERTAINTY is that most menfolk are not about to read and implement 21 different things to do for their women… It’s just not part of a man’s make up. And to be perfectly honest, if you can do a few simple things in addition to being a provider, protector, and priest of the home, we’re good to go.

If your heart is right towards your wife, then the actions will follow. Keep in mind that the Bible warns against menfolk mistreating their beloveds. God explicitly says He will not hear your prayers.

In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together.
She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life.
Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered. 1 Peter 3:7

Selah.

Having said that , here are five things you can do to show your wife (or maybe wife-to-be) that you do really love her. Many women know they’re loved in word, but not so much in deed.

  1. Train your eyes to be only for her. I made the heavy-hitter number one on this list. Men, you’ve got to understand that no matter how strong and secure your woman is she will never be ok with you looking (and lusting) after another. That goes for real life, social media, television, websites, porn, MMS’s, Instagram, imaginative SMS’s. Some of the things that I see posted by married/engaged men are downright disrespectful. (But if your woman is cool with it, who am I to pretend like it’s not acceptable?) While you may go home to her, another woman’s image is in your head. And scripturally-speaking, that’s adultery (Matthew 5:28). Love your queen enough to divert your eyes when you see “trouble” from afar. And when she says to you “Did you see what that woman had on?” you can honestly reply “What woman?” There is a great reward for the man who can grasp and practice this concept.
  2. Respect her feelings. We know that you’re logical by nature, and we tend to be a little more feel-y. Despite what you may think, our feelings are just as relevant as your reasonings. Have you ever come home late after promising to be on time? You had the best, most logical response planned, but it just wasn’t enough to calm her. No? Man, please… you don’t have to lie to me! Let’s really be logical. If you know something you want to do will bother her, don’t do it. One thousand reasons isn’t enough to explain why you caused hurt when the situation could have been easily avoided. Honesty means next to nothing, and you’ll have to endure more than just a argument if you continue. The flip side to that is that you may feel you’re losing out and it’s unfair to you. But you promised to lay down your life, and again, there’s a reward for being considerate and kind to your bride.
  3. Try something new. I say this jokingly, but on a serious note, stop doing the same wrong thing over and over and over and over. Sorry doesn’t mean anything after the umpteenth time. If you’re going to slip up, please do so in a different and very minimal way, i.e. not replace the toilet paper roll.
  4. Unlock your phone. This right here could rival number 1. Trust is a major issue in relationships. If you are, in fact, living a life according to God’s statutes there is no reason for your phone and email to be kept private from your spouse. You’re trusting that person with your body and soul, and so it is their obligation and responsibility to cover you in those areas. If you can’t submit to that, then perhaps some fasting and separation is in order. I realize this requires a serious heart change for some, but truly, what do you have to hide? It’s going to come to light anyway.
  5. Clean her car, and make love to her. This is a two-fer. Something about a man taking care of domestic things that we ourselves are too busy to do ignites the passion in a woman. I have a friend who often comments on the reward her husband gets after taking care of the family’s dishes. Don’t complain about not getting enough if you aren’t willing to help out around the house or with the children. It really can be that simple.

So gentleman, might I suggest you choose any one item from this list and test it out. See what happens when your queen notices a change in you, and trust me, SHE WILL NOTICE!

Ladies, let me stress this to you!! Do NOT send this to your man in hopes of proving anything without first sending the “Love Your Husbands” article. Let him see that you are wiling to make some changes for his benefit before requesting he do the same for you. I might even suggest allowing him to pick a few items with which you can start. It’s alright to be transparent because none of these techniques work by magic. If he knows you’re overlooking a snide remark because you want better and not because you neeeeeed him… you can figure out the rest.

 

What does your wife need most?
Your time? Affection? A greater demonstration of your commitment to her?
Which of these items could you implement first? 

If this blog has helped you in any way, please subscribe via the form on the right hand column, SHARE this with a friend, and leave a comment. I LOVE to hear from my readers, even when you all disagree.

 

With love, sincerity, and hope for your marriage,

 

Alana

 

Photo credit: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net

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Love Your Husbands: 21 Things You Can Do to Keep Things Interesting

Posted by on May 29, 2012 in Being Saved, Dating & Relationships, Family, For the Brothers, The Best Of CTheLily, Uncategorized | 5 comments

Love Your Husbands: 21 Things You Can Do to Keep Things Interesting


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Before I was married, I remember sitting in church and hearing that scripture that tells the older women to teach the younger women to love their husbands. I thought “I just don’t understand why God would say that. Wouldn’t we love them already if we married them?”

Then I got married.

And with marriage I began to understand that this fried-chicken brown man with 9.5 of my 10 listed qualities was often unkind, insensitive, and downright unlovable. In those moments I learned it was especially important for me to demonstrate my devotion to him. I knew I’d end up divorced eventually, but God told me that he wouldn’t allow me to leave that marriage until I’d learned to treat him right when he did me wrong.

God is just so unfair at times… Just, but unfair.

Many of you have a great partner but with daily stressors,  it’s easy to overlook and under-appreciate his efforts, as meager they may be. After all, he is a man. He doesn’t do things the way you’d want him to. He’s sometimes emotionally disconnected and downright rude. Why would you want to put in extra work?

I know these sentiments well. (And to be perfectly honest, things are sooo much easier on this side. You mad? Not today? Well maybe tomorrow then…) But still, when I do marry again, I’ll have to come back to this list, swallow my pride and take care of my commitment.

Take what you can, and leave the rest…

  1. Wear something attractive when you leave the house. This includes make-up and jewelry to his tastes. Sometimes they say they like one thing when they really like another. Takes time to learn this skill, but start off small.
  2. Wear very little when you’re at home. It won’t kill your kids to see you in a halter top, sundress and leggings. No mu-mu’s, bulky bathrobes, or flannel pajamas. You don’t want him looking elsewhere, do you?
  3. Wear nothing (or next to nothing) in your bedroom. Make this a rule… please. As your children grow older, they should spend less time in your bedroom.
  4. Dismiss his jerky responses five times out of ten. After you get good at five times, work your way up to eight. Eventually he’ll get the point that he can’t touch a naked woman if he’s been a jerk.
  5. Have sex the night before or the morning of church. Ya’ll come in looking like ravenous wolves and the poor single folk can’t take any more of your abuse. If your husband is a minister, you really need to take care of him because the devil will walk in and try to catch his eye.
  6. Get in and/or stay in shape. Of course men are visual, but really, you’ll feel better about yourself and everything around you by doing this.
  7. Feed him his favorite meal… lightened up. Men like lasagna, meatloaf and stuff covered with barbecue sauce. Let him eat it, but lighten it up a little without telling him what you’ve done. And if you don’t know how to cook, then by all means, learn. Email me, and we’ll work something out.
  8. Romance him. If you don’t already know his love language, learn it and communicate it to him. If he likes to be touched, then touch him. If he needs to hear how handsome you think he is, tell him. If he likes to have his shirts ironed, then take them to the cleaners because most of us don’t do that anymore… lol.
  9. Celebrate him when he comes home from work. Brush your hair. Fix your make-up. Get the kids at the door and cheer for him as he comes in. Tell him “thank you.”
  10. Re-stock his favorite foods and drinks before they’re empty.
  11. Keep your car clean. Who am I kidding? This will never happen.
  12. Say “Ok, baby…. whatever you want” at least once a day. Get it over with early before the stresses of the day make it too difficult.
  13. Conform to his mood. If he’s being goofy, then join in. If he’s a little somber, then downplay your emotional highs. Don’t do this all the time, but it helps.
  14. Make dessert at least twice a month. You don’t want to be gluttonous, but figure out what he likes and have some every so often. If you’re doing #3 and #6, then #21 should take care of the extra calories.
  15. Send him loving texts during the day. If you could just modernize and personalize a scripture or two from Song of Solomon, that’ll do.
  16. Argue with him… logically. Now women tend to be emotional, and there’s nothing wrong with it when our emotions are balanced. But if you could just give him one good logical argument, you’ll watch his jaw drop. This really is more for you than him, but do it anyway.
  17. Play dumb sometimes. A man’s self-esteem is important. Sometimes, when you know he’s wrong, play dumb instead of demanding the truth. Getting him to admit something shameful (or pressuring him and causing him to lie) may be more damaging than just overlooking it and playing dumb. A “Hmmm… I wonder how that happened” should suffice.
  18. Don’t argue with him in front of the kids or talk about him in a negative way. You probably have a friend or two with whom you can vent, but be sure these people won’t carry your tales or treat him differently when they see him.
  19. Be faithful to him. In word, emotion, deed, sexually… all that.
  20. Have a quiet spirit. Being overly emotional and excitable will cause him to shut allll the way down when you need him to communicate.
  21. Have sex. You don’t have to make love allllll the time. I think men get tired when we make an event of everything, and so they resort to simpler measures. You don’t want to discourage your mate with your “romance novel” fantasies just like you don’t want him bringing porn star images to bed.

Fret not, ladies. A list is coming for your dear hubbies, but if you want him to read it, you should get a head start on a few of these items.

Which items are easy for you? Which are challenges?
Is there anything you’d like to add?

Please please please comment and share your thoughts and forward to your friends even if it’s just for giggles.

 

With love, sincerity, and hope for lasting marriages,

 

Alana 

P.S. I will not be accepting any marriage proposals via text, email, Twitter, Facebook, or GChat. I will, however, accept “thank you” cards and gifts from men whose lives have benefited from the list, even if the benefit is nominal.

Photo credit:

Free images from FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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