Posts Tagged "marriage"

A Sh*tty Situation: Wedding Night Story

Posted by on Jul 23, 2013 in Dating & Relationships, Uncategorized | 2 comments

A Sh*tty Situation: Wedding Night Story

 

Beads of sweat formed on my lips and brow. My body quaked with pain as I tried to control the impending sounds of embarrassment. Oh, dear God! What did I eat? My stomach churned and gurgled. I arched my feet and pressed my toes hard against the bathroom tiles in hopes to minimize the pain. The baby flipped and kicked me in the lungs knocking the wind out of me. Oh, Lord! Help me not make a fool of myself. It’s not supposed to happen like this. My bowels shifted and dropped, and though I felt relief, I was mortified.

It was my wedding night.

Earlier in the day he had asked me if I could go away with him on a business trip. I knew my mother would refuse. Even though I was of age, I didn’t want to shame her anymore than I already had. I was great with child and fresh out of college. He and I wanted to marry, but my mother asked us to wait. One of us was willing, but the other wasn’t. We switched roles depending on the day.

So Mom gave in on the advice of a friend. “You never keep love apart,” she said. “If they love each other, let them marry” she said. Oh the woes of well-intentioned, uninformed advice! So off we ran to the courthouse to sign a marriage license. While there we found business cards for justices of the peace who could perform the ceremony and within two hours found a gentleman who was willing to oblige. We took our hasty selves down to the local mall, ordered a pair of wedding bands, purchased nice outfits, and drove back to my mother’s house to get dressed.

I found this lovely Chinese collar silk blouse and skirt set. I was never much of a fan of red, but the size 10 skirt fit nicely under my rounding belly. Chinese brides wore red, so why shouldn’t I? It was a sign. This was meant to be. He found a basic white sweater and black slacks, and off we went on a cold February afternoon to our 10-minute ceremony. I was certain he loved me. I was certain that the tear he cried would ensure me and my baby a secure future. I made my vows and meant every one. We paid and thanked the gentleman for his services and off we went on his business trip. Our first night together as Mr. and Mrs. in a small hotel… cheap dinner… no chance in heck at a honeymoon… was divine in every other sense. I didn’t mind what we didn’t have. I didn’t mind because our love was official. I had papers and a ring being made to prove it.

So after our consummation (if that even means anything considering we had so much practice beforehand), my guts began to stir. I. Was. Sick. And I sat on that toilet for a good part of the evening. I showered in shame and cheap hotel soap and climbed my bare, pregnant self into bed to sleep. Good wives don’t do that sort of thing.

The next morning his phone rang with a cheery chick voice on the other end. I ain’t like that heifer. I knew she wasn’t to be trusted. He shared the news and her high-pitched “oh-that’s-so-nice-congratulations” muffled past his ears to mine. It was phony. I knew because immediately after she cheered she began whispering again. I ascertained the following…

He hadn’t told his boys. He hadn’t even told his father.

Sh*t.

 

Photo credit: Gerard Stolk via Compfight

 

 

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The (In)Significance of Marriage

Posted by on Jul 5, 2013 in Being Single, Dating & Relationships, For the Brothers, Uncategorized | 0 comments

I can’t believe that actually worked! I know the title is TERRIBLY questionable, but I’ll reduce myself to cheap ploys to get you read this because it’s relevant and true for ALL Christian singles. The decision to marry (and whom to marry) is the second-most life impacting decision a believer will ever make. Serving Christ, of course, is first. If you don’t know Jesus then get to know Him because marrying won’t matter if you’re going to spend eternity in hellfire anyway.

Before I jump into my points, I’d like to say that I DO want to be happily married, and I believe it will happen for me soon. I refuse to become preoccupied with I’m working overtime to maintain a Godly perspective on this thing so I don’t lose my everloving mind when my mister shows up. Everything written below is based in Paul’s teaching in 1 Corinthians 7.

Here’s why singles shouldn’t be so eager to marry.

Marriage is designed to make you holy. Happiness is a bonus.

I blame Disney for making us women think we’re was supposed to walk on rose petals and be lifted into the Heavens every day of our married lives. Good Christian men are being abused because women are demanding they comply with our girlish fantasies. Women are suffering because Christian men believe they’re rare and entitled to do as they please. If you find yourself with one of these types, RUN! They’re not prepared to serve in marriage, and you’ll do all the hard work.  Just speaking from personal experience though… take it or leave it.

Marriage is temporal, but has eternal implications. 

We spend a good portion of our adult lives seeking to validate ourselves through relationships HOPING to get married when we really should be focusing on eternal things. Colossians 3:2 says that we should keep our eyes on things above, and marriage ain’t up there. Furthermore who you choose to marry will get you closer to Heaven or keep you further away from it. You cannot join yourself to someone who does not honor Christ in their singleness and think your salvation will be easily maintained. So if you make the temporal decision to marry, make it with eternity in mind.

 

The only real purpose for marriage is because it’s in God’s will for you.

It’s not just because you want to have sex, or to have more money, or for him to take out the trash, or for her  to cook your dinner. Marriage stems out of purpose and calling, not purpose and calling out of marriage. Some of us are still single because we think we need that ONE to start a business. The only ONE you need is the Lord. I will say this regarding the need for marriage… if you have a strong desire for sex and have difficulty controlling it, I– I mean, you– might need to get married. Don’t let your loins be your guide. BE CELIBATE! But every so often look up to the Heavens and remind the Lord that He gave you those desires, so He’s gonna have to help you out in the marriage department. If you can control those passions, there’s nothing wrong with marrying, but the better life for you will be to remain single. Paul said this in 1 Corinthians 7.

Once married you are bound to the other person’s needs and desires.

But at least you get sanctified sex, right? Dr. Tony Evans says this: “Marriage is slavery with sex. Singleness is celibacy with freedom.” If your selfish behind thinks you can marry for some sex but don’t think you’ll have to die to self a few times before you even get to the bed… HMPH. Thinking that marriage will make your life better is a trap. If you choose a God-fearing person it MIGHT make your life better, but never put your faith in people. Trust God. Even the strongest Christian will disappoint you sometimes. We’re human!

Marriage adds trouble to your life. 

I swear I’m not making this up. Satan has an agenda against Christian marriages, and he will come after yours. That’s not a reason to not get married, but we must understand that troubles come with the benefits. If you don’t believe me, call up one of your married friends. Don’t ask them outright what marriage is like. Just listen to them talk. It will spill. If your friends are anything like mine, it’ll gush out, make your skin crawl, and you’ll run home to your empty bed and embrace your pillows like the blessings they really are. Might I also add that serving the Lord is about a thousand times easier than serving a person? Selah.

 

I hope that you have a more BIBLICAL perspective on this matter of (in)significance. Bottom line, folks… Marriage is incredibly important if it’s in God’s plan for you but amounts to a hill of beans if it isn’t. As long as you seek Him first, you will fulfill your purpose and you will be satisfied in your soul.

To sum up, being single in Christ has benefits over being married in Christ. Don’t spend your singleness thinking about, worrying about, talking about, tweeting about marriage. Someone interested might be watching and be scared away by your compulsion. I’d also like to add that folks who put you down because you’re single only do so because they seek validation through romantic relationships. Let one little thing go wrong in their world, and they’ll crumble like silly putty left in the hot summer sun. Marriage is not a step up spiritually. It’s a lateral move assuming you were walking with the Lord beforehand. In most cases, people fall behind spiritually when they get married because they were not rooted in Christ beforehand. Don’t let folks and their foolishness make you feel that you’re less than what God called you to be.

Welp. There’s nothing left to see here. I swept up all the mess I made with that title. As always, questions and comments are welcomed in the space below.

 

With love, sincerity, and hope for your  future,

 

Alana

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Another Sneak Peek of “Late Nights on the Straight & Narrow”

Posted by on Aug 23, 2012 in Being Saved, Being Single, Dating & Relationships, Uncategorized | 0 comments

Another Sneak Peek of “Late Nights on the Straight & Narrow”

For those of you who follow me on Twitter, you might have noticed my absence lately. I miss tweeting with you all, but I’ve focused my writing efforts on my first book “Late Nights on the Straight & Narrow.” I’m hoping the book will be finished and ready for sale by Sunday!!! I’d love to hear your thoughts on this short snippet, and the previous excerpt that I’ve posted.

Ladies Only: Are You Help Meet Material? 

…But for Adam there was not found a helper meet
(suitable, adapted, and complementary) for him.
Genesis 2:20b

And now the unveiling of the cybermirror of introspection! Look at yourself, woman of God. Are you help meet material? I’m not asking you, my sister, if you’re willing to cook his dinner, clean his undergarments, and contribute fifty bucks to the cable bill. I’m asking if you are strong enough and willing enough to stand face to face with a man of God and assist him in his calling. And are you wise enough to choose the right man who will also help you with yours?

Some macho man somewhere painted a picture of help as one coming behind you and cleaning up what you messed up. That’s not help! That’s a maid. Maids are blessings in their own right, but alas, that is not my calling. Whenever God and Adam met, they talked face to face. When God created Woman, He intended her to be that type of help that would offer wise counsel and comfort. I think of my best girlfriends who are a help to me. We talk with like minds but they bring out the best in me. Whatever I miss, God reveals to them and we both grow in the process. When Adam cried out for help, Woman would come to him, look him in the face, and say “Baby, what do you need? What can I do for you? Help you turn this soil? No problem.”

God designed you to be a strong consolation and gift to someone, but if you haven’t submitted to His plans for education, career, ministry, etc., you can’t help the man to whom you’ve been called. What will you have to offer him besides sex, a hot meal, and a hot ironed shirt? Some of us can’t even do those things.

Fellas Only: Would You Submit to You?

I tweeted once “Women aren’t that complicated.” Needless to say I was retweeted into oblivion and lambasted by men who thought I was insane. I started to backpedal, but by the time other women jumped in, my point was made. We are NOT that complicated.

Any woman who is truly in line with God’s will (and most that aren’t) is willing to submit to a man who meets a certain set of qualifications. And I’m not talking six feet tall, making six figures, with zero children and all that nonsense. I’m talking about a man who loves God and serves Him faithfully, and then, of course, loves the woman he chooses as wife. A woman knows that if a man truly loves her, he will not make a choice that will bring harm or danger to their family. It’s EASY to submit to a man like that. And should he make a wrong choice… well, nobody’s perfect!

Your demonstration of love for your future wife is a seed sown. You will, in turn, reap her respect and willingness to submit to you. So I would also ask you, brother, do you love yourself? Not in the cocky, arrogant way… but do you value who God has created you to be? The Bible teaches that you must love your wife as yourself, and so it follows that if you hate yourself—well, that’s an ugly thought. I’ve lived through a marriage where my husband did not love himself. I began to have suicidal thoughts, but I knew they weren’t from me! If you have room to grow in this area, then please allow your heart to be healed before taking a wife and making more babies.

Take a glance into the cybermirror of introspection and ask yourself the following… Are you a good leader? Are you patient enough to learn about her, or will you assume that you know her, or worse, attempt to make her what you desire? Do you make decisions based on what you think is best, or do you consider the well-being of others? Are you gentle and forgiving? Is your swag sanctified? Tell me about your character and integrity. If your wife-to-be so happened to pick up your phone, would your stomach turn inside out? Do you require a “foretaste of glory divine” before marriage even though she is kept a secret from your family and friends? Unless you live out the right answers, no REAL woman of God will submit to you. Any woman who does is silly and foolish.

Download PDF

 

 

I’d love to hear your comments!!! What do you hope to read in this book? Let me know what your concerns are before I finish. :)

 

 

With love, sincerity, and hope for your future,

 

Alana

 

Photo credit: Carlos Porto via Compfight

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Married to a Madman

Posted by on Jul 24, 2012 in Dating & Relationships, Family, Uncategorized | 0 comments

Married to a Madman

Driving down Laburnum, I watched my baby girl sit in a beautiful white dress as she gazed out the backseat window. My son was several miles away ready to be picked up. I was in the passenger seat wearing a just-above knee length sundress. He was driving my car leaning against me with his right arm down my leg. This woman’s husband was touching me and was in full and total control of me and mine. How did I get into this situation?

A nasty storm cloud booms over us, and in the distance I see a tornado descend from the clouds. I start to pray and rebuke the cloud commanding it to go back up in to the sky. It yields to my prayer, and we continue driving. I asked him to prepare to pull over in case we ran into a tornado. I asked him to drive faster so we could rescue my son. All he did was leisurely drive the long route, never acknowledging my requests or concerns. He just kept rubbing my leg.

His actions made it abundantly clear that he could not care less for the emotional pain that I was suffering. He seemed to be enjoying it. He didn’t care when a smaller tornado hopped a building to our left, went directly over the car, and landed on a building to our right. He didn’t care that our son was miles away and terribly afraid of tornadoes. I tried to make conversation with the little one to ease my mind, but she was even too afraid of him to speak openly.

And then I woke up thanks to a text from Twitter. (I am not that scandalous!) And in this dream I was this man’s wife, and my children were also his children. His wife is my friend. I love her dearly, but I couldn’t understand why I’d dream such a thing, so I inquired of the Lord.

Quiet and still, He always speaks. “This is what she feels like.”

And so it follows, this is how many women feel when they are subject to a man who is insensitive and controlling. Some of these men have scars from childhood, some from other types of trauma, and others still are just big ol’ jerks. I’ve been single since December 2009, and I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be in that place. But when I was married I knew it very well.

This is what I’ve learned about these challenging and often terrifying situations.

  • He can’t stop your prayer from working. Despite how godlike he thinks he is, YHWH will hear and answer your prayer. Continue to speak the Word and pray in authority over the enemies attacks.
  • Take your concerns to God first. Too often we go to our men complaining and expecting a change immediately. This is especially dangerous with the abuser or controller. Go to God first! And sometimes go to God only! Don’t give him an open door to manipulate you.
  • Keep moving through the storm, even if you have to go it alone. Storms are symbolic of emotional torment. Oh the tornadoes and tsunamis I’ve dreamed about over the years! Don’t sit in a storm and allow it to overtake you. Yes, we become tired, so MAKE time to rest in the Lord, and get right back to fighting. And by fighting, I mean praying… We wrestle against spiritual forces, not people. I remember one dream I had when Jesus himself showed up on a horse with his sword drawn. If He did it for me, He’ll do it for you.
  • Trust that God will protect your family. In the dream I was severely concerned about the safety of my children, and rightfully so. But God is powerful and loving enough to protect them in ways that I cannot. Abusers will use your fear against you. They gain power from seeing you hurt. Be strong, and allow your faith to override your emotion.
  • Free yourself from sexual and emotional manipulation. This is a tough one, but I suffered both of these for YEARS! Sex tends to be more emotional for women, and though I know your preacher never told you this… If your husband is abusing you sexually or emotionally (cheating, lying, neglecting, physical/verbal abuse), you really should pull back (not saying stop altogether) on the sex. Here’s why. There is a deeper spiritual reason he’s doing these things, and you need to keep your head free to think and hear from God. Anytime two people have sex, spirits are transferred and you’ll start to experience some of the nasties he’s dealing with. For maybe a year, my ex-husband was struggling with suicidal thoughts. I didn’t know this until I started having them myself. Once I pulled back, the truth came to light and I was able to deal with it more effectively, and we were able to reconcile. The worst thing you can do is continue having sex with him thus allowing yourself to be tormented by him and a host of demonic forces. Be spirit led.
  • Understand that your husband is not THE bad guy. Undoubtedly your husband may be allowing the enemy to use him, but remember who the war is against. If there is history of mental illness, trauma, rejection, abandonment, etc., etc., etc., then KNOW that there is healing available. God will show you whether you should choose to stay to see your honey delivered, or to leave. Whatever God reveals, DO IT! When I sought the Lord as to whether I should remain married, He said to me “You haven’t had enough yet?” Eeep!
  • If you find yourself taking on his abusive traits, then you’ve stayed far too long. If you’ve learned to lie, cheat, steal, cuss, abuse like him, then you missed your exit time and you need to seek another ASAP. I know the church teaches us that God hates divorce, but your soul is FAR more valuable than a relationship. I believe that many people go to hell for an eternity because they were unable to forgive wrongs they suffered within marriage. If you are being poisoned, then get out and save your soul and the souls of your children.

It is not my intention to break up families, but to save souls. If you’ve ever been subject to someone who is reckless and uncaring, then you know the feeling of being insecure. And as women, we want to love them out of that place, but sometimes, we can’t. And so, it is my prayer that God’s will be done in your homes and in your hearts.

 

With love, sincerity, and hope for your future,

 

Alana

 

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Holding on to Your Honey: Don’t Run Him Away

Posted by on Jul 21, 2012 in Dating & Relationships, Family, For the Brothers, Uncategorized | 1 comment

Holding on to Your Honey: Don’t Run Him Away

I owe a huge apology to the men out here who are busting their behinds to make things work with women who just don’t get it. Honestly, fellas, I didn’t think you existed. Let’s blame it on… uhhh… daddy issues. :) But here I’ve come to (attempt to) save your day!

I used to think women were always right because, by default, women wouldn’t do anything to tear apart their marriages and families. How naive was I?! It only took me five years of marriage to find out that even within myself was an air of sabotage. I needed and wanted out desperately.

It is my sincere hope that your marriage is a good one, but inevitably hard times will come. As a wife, it is your duty to ensure those “hard times” aren’t instituted by your own fault (…and I’ll write to him later). There are some behaviors that men absolutely hate, and rightfully so. If you want to run your love into, at the very least, emotional isolation, and at the most, the arms of another, well, here’s how you might do it.

Unstable emotions stem from abandonment and rejection and causes us to seek affirmation through cycles of neediness, anger, manipulation, and moments of happiness. We expect the other person to ride the emotional rollercoaster with us as if they owed us the satisfaction of catering to our every whim. We can be happy one minute, sad the next, then angry, yet we never maintain our peace and joy. If every time there’s an issue to be addressed, you fly off the handle, you will inevitably shut yourself out of the conversation. Perhaps you’ve heard “I can’t talk to you about anything.” That’s because when he starts talking, you’ve gone from 0 to 60 in 4.5 without all the pertinent details.

The Word of God admonishes wives to have a quiet spirit, one that is not easily worked up or anxious. If you’re already in this place, then it’s not a switch to turn off, but you need to be healed in your soul through times of prayer, fasting, and maybe even deliverance. Give your husband the peace he deserves so loving communication can blossom in your home.

A side note pertaining to manipulation… people who use manipulation seldom get what they really want. Yes, you might really like that bracelet and twist and turn his arm to get it, but there’s a deeper need that must be met, whether you get the bracelet or not. Maybe your desire is to have the other person show their willingness to bless you. That cannot be expressed to you if you whine, complain, and beg for it. If you have to manipulate someone to give/get/do/say a particular thing, then you won’t be satisfied when it comes.

A wise woman builds her house with words. There was a time that I so desperately wanted out of my “house” that I said just about anything to tear it down. Evil, right? Don’t judge me… I was hurting and looking for a way out. But as angry as I was, it wasn’t a drop in the bucket compared to what I experienced in my home as a child. I love my mother, but she is the high priestess of nagging and harsh words. Sweet Jesus, heal me even now. There is something inherently self-serving and wicked about a person who is constantly contrary seeking to bring others into their miserable condition. What is it you’re constantly striving for? Perfection? Your image to others? None of those things are attainable and controllable. Receive the love of Christ and relaaaaaaax!

You can be bountifully blessed with every natural thing, and no one (especially your husband) will want to share space with you. And never ever ever, in any way, shape, form, or fashion, comment on his apparent lack of manhood. It doesn’t matter how mad he makes you. You will be judged by Almighty for your words, so hold your tongue for your own sake.

Regarding the nagging, just stop it. If after asking him twice, he doesn’t do it, either do it yourself or leave it undone. Be more creative than to whine and cry to have your needs met. Might I suggest cooking a sub par dinner once or twice? I’ve done this before. Works like a charm!

Take a simple hint. Men like pleasure… If you’re not pleasurable, chances are, he won’t want to be around you.

Yes, these jokers do some jacked up stuff, but so do we. And we have no choice but to forgive. Typically, a woman will forgive he expresses genuine contrition for his wrong acts. Should this happen, don’t bring the mess up again. Act like it never happened. This is super difficult for us because we always want evidence to make our case. It is true that people’s actions are indicative of their character, but if we want to see growth in our relationship grace and mercy should abound… not “remember when’s”.

Now what if he’s lying or not sorry? Well forgive ANYWAY! Seek God and use wisdom, but relieve yourself from the hurt. God will handle him promptly.

Yes, these jokers do some jacked up stuff, but so do we. And we have no choice but to forgive. Typically, a woman will forgive he expresses genuine contrition for his wrong acts. Should this happen, don’t bring the mess up again. Act like it never happened. This is super difficult for us because we always want evidence to make our case. It is true that people’s actions are indicative of their character, but if we want to see growth in our relationship grace and mercy should abound… not “remember when’s”.

Now what if he’s lying or not sorry? Well forgive ANYWAY! Seek God and use wisdom, but relieve yourself from the hurt. God will handle him promptly.

Now, ladies, I find it incredibly hard to believe that we’re racking up credit cards behind our menfolks’ backs and stocking up on foolishness. As a wife, you are expected to live within in the means provided, and if you don’t like it, then get your own hustle to contribute to the mix. Our men are busting their backsides at work to provide for us and many are pushing us to do better. Don’t undermine their hard work and dedication over things that won’t matter in the long run.

Target has some nice bags. Nine West has gorgeous shoes. Leave the Luis Vuitton, Coach, and Fendi for later dates when your family is financially stable.

Disclaimer: I’ve been known to hide a dress or two in the trunk of my car, but alas, I am now single and can hang them proudly in my closet. You mad? :)

 

I’m certain this list is not complete, but surely these behaviors fit the bill. Without explanation I could also add refusing to meet his needs (sexual and otherwise), uncleanness, meanness, lack of ambition… the list goes on. These monumental mishaps don’t occur overnight, but day by day as our hearts become hardened and distant from Christ and one another.

Don’t be the reason he chooses to lace up his Nikes and hit the pavement… Should you be guilty of any of the aforementioned offenses, go first to God and ask His forgiveness, then to your honey. Make a conscious and OBVIOUS effort to improve. He may think you’re being snide or manipulative, but ensure him that your change of heart is continual. Keep demonstrating it until he believes you.

Trials will come, but are you contributing to the problem or the solution? What behaviors must you change to keep your husband active, interested, and involved in the relationship?

 

With love, sincerity, and hope for your future,

 

Alana 

Photo credit:  Luc De Leeuw via Compfight

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