Posts Tagged "marriage"
Another Sneak Peek of “Late Nights on the Straight & Narrow”
For those of you who follow me on Twitter, you might have noticed my absence lately. I miss tweeting with you all, but I’ve focused my writing efforts on my first book “Late Nights on the Straight & Narrow.” I’m hoping the book will be finished and ready for sale by Sunday!!! I’d love to hear your thoughts on this short snippet, and the previous excerpt that I’ve posted.
Ladies Only: Are You Help Meet Material?
…But for Adam there was not found a helper meet
(suitable, adapted, and complementary) for him.
Genesis 2:20b
And now the unveiling of the cybermirror of introspection! Look at yourself, woman of God. Are you help meet material? I’m not asking you, my sister, if you’re willing to cook his dinner, clean his undergarments, and contribute fifty bucks to the cable bill. I’m asking if you are strong enough and willing enough to stand face to face with a man of God and assist him in his calling. And are you wise enough to choose the right man who will also help you with yours?
Some macho man somewhere painted a picture of help as one coming behind you and cleaning up what you messed up. That’s not help! That’s a maid. Maids are blessings in their own right, but alas, that is not my calling. Whenever God and Adam met, they talked face to face. When God created Woman, He intended her to be that type of help that would offer wise counsel and comfort. I think of my best girlfriends who are a help to me. We talk with like minds but they bring out the best in me. Whatever I miss, God reveals to them and we both grow in the process. When Adam cried out for help, Woman would come to him, look him in the face, and say “Baby, what do you need? What can I do for you? Help you turn this soil? No problem.”
God designed you to be a strong consolation and gift to someone, but if you haven’t submitted to His plans for education, career, ministry, etc., you can’t help the man to whom you’ve been called. What will you have to offer him besides sex, a hot meal, and a hot ironed shirt? Some of us can’t even do those things.
Fellas Only: Would You Submit to You?
I tweeted once “Women aren’t that complicated.” Needless to say I was retweeted into oblivion and lambasted by men who thought I was insane. I started to backpedal, but by the time other women jumped in, my point was made. We are NOT that complicated.
Any woman who is truly in line with God’s will (and most that aren’t) is willing to submit to a man who meets a certain set of qualifications. And I’m not talking six feet tall, making six figures, with zero children and all that nonsense. I’m talking about a man who loves God and serves Him faithfully, and then, of course, loves the woman he chooses as wife. A woman knows that if a man truly loves her, he will not make a choice that will bring harm or danger to their family. It’s EASY to submit to a man like that. And should he make a wrong choice… well, nobody’s perfect!
Your demonstration of love for your future wife is a seed sown. You will, in turn, reap her respect and willingness to submit to you. So I would also ask you, brother, do you love yourself? Not in the cocky, arrogant way… but do you value who God has created you to be? The Bible teaches that you must love your wife as yourself, and so it follows that if you hate yourself—well, that’s an ugly thought. I’ve lived through a marriage where my husband did not love himself. I began to have suicidal thoughts, but I knew they weren’t from me! If you have room to grow in this area, then please allow your heart to be healed before taking a wife and making more babies.
Take a glance into the cybermirror of introspection and ask yourself the following… Are you a good leader? Are you patient enough to learn about her, or will you assume that you know her, or worse, attempt to make her what you desire? Do you make decisions based on what you think is best, or do you consider the well-being of others? Are you gentle and forgiving? Is your swag sanctified? Tell me about your character and integrity. If your wife-to-be so happened to pick up your phone, would your stomach turn inside out? Do you require a “foretaste of glory divine” before marriage even though she is kept a secret from your family and friends? Unless you live out the right answers, no REAL woman of God will submit to you. Any woman who does is silly and foolish.
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I’d love to hear your comments!!! What do you hope to read in this book? Let me know what your concerns are before I finish. 
With love, sincerity, and hope for your future,
Alana
Photo credit: Carlos Porto via Compfight
Read MoreMarried to a Madman
Driving down Laburnum, I watched my baby girl sit in a beautiful white dress as she gazed out the backseat window. My son was several miles away ready to be picked up. I was in the passenger seat wearing a just-above knee length sundress. He was driving my car leaning against me with his right arm down my leg. This woman’s husband was touching me and was in full and total control of me and mine. How did I get into this situation?
A nasty storm cloud booms over us, and in the distance I see a tornado descend from the clouds. I start to pray and rebuke the cloud commanding it to go back up in to the sky. It yields to my prayer, and we continue driving. I asked him to prepare to pull over in case we ran into a tornado. I asked him to drive faster so we could rescue my son. All he did was leisurely drive the long route, never acknowledging my requests or concerns. He just kept rubbing my leg.
His actions made it abundantly clear that he could not care less for the emotional pain that I was suffering. He seemed to be enjoying it. He didn’t care when a smaller tornado hopped a building to our left, went directly over the car, and landed on a building to our right. He didn’t care that our son was miles away and terribly afraid of tornadoes. I tried to make conversation with the little one to ease my mind, but she was even too afraid of him to speak openly.
And then I woke up thanks to a text from Twitter. (I am not that scandalous!) And in this dream I was this man’s wife, and my children were also his children. His wife is my friend. I love her dearly, but I couldn’t understand why I’d dream such a thing, so I inquired of the Lord.
Quiet and still, He always speaks. “This is what she feels like.”
And so it follows, this is how many women feel when they are subject to a man who is insensitive and controlling. Some of these men have scars from childhood, some from other types of trauma, and others still are just big ol’ jerks. I’ve been single since December 2009, and I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be in that place. But when I was married I knew it very well.
This is what I’ve learned about these challenging and often terrifying situations.
- He can’t stop your prayer from working. Despite how godlike he thinks he is, YHWH will hear and answer your prayer. Continue to speak the Word and pray in authority over the enemies attacks.
- Take your concerns to God first. Too often we go to our men complaining and expecting a change immediately. This is especially dangerous with the abuser or controller. Go to God first! And sometimes go to God only! Don’t give him an open door to manipulate you.
- Keep moving through the storm, even if you have to go it alone. Storms are symbolic of emotional torment. Oh the tornadoes and tsunamis I’ve dreamed about over the years! Don’t sit in a storm and allow it to overtake you. Yes, we become tired, so MAKE time to rest in the Lord, and get right back to fighting. And by fighting, I mean praying… We wrestle against spiritual forces, not people. I remember one dream I had when Jesus himself showed up on a horse with his sword drawn. If He did it for me, He’ll do it for you.
- Trust that God will protect your family. In the dream I was severely concerned about the safety of my children, and rightfully so. But God is powerful and loving enough to protect them in ways that I cannot. Abusers will use your fear against you. They gain power from seeing you hurt. Be strong, and allow your faith to override your emotion.
- Free yourself from sexual and emotional manipulation. This is a tough one, but I suffered both of these for YEARS! Sex tends to be more emotional for women, and though I know your preacher never told you this… If your husband is abusing you sexually or emotionally (cheating, lying, neglecting, physical/verbal abuse), you really should pull back (not saying stop altogether) on the sex. Here’s why. There is a deeper spiritual reason he’s doing these things, and you need to keep your head free to think and hear from God. Anytime two people have sex, spirits are transferred and you’ll start to experience some of the nasties he’s dealing with. For maybe a year, my ex-husband was struggling with suicidal thoughts. I didn’t know this until I started having them myself. Once I pulled back, the truth came to light and I was able to deal with it more effectively, and we were able to reconcile. The worst thing you can do is continue having sex with him thus allowing yourself to be tormented by him and a host of demonic forces. Be spirit led.
- Understand that your husband is not THE bad guy. Undoubtedly your husband may be allowing the enemy to use him, but remember who the war is against. If there is history of mental illness, trauma, rejection, abandonment, etc., etc., etc., then KNOW that there is healing available. God will show you whether you should choose to stay to see your honey delivered, or to leave. Whatever God reveals, DO IT! When I sought the Lord as to whether I should remain married, He said to me “You haven’t had enough yet?” Eeep!
- If you find yourself taking on his abusive traits, then you’ve stayed far too long. If you’ve learned to lie, cheat, steal, cuss, abuse like him, then you missed your exit time and you need to seek another ASAP. I know the church teaches us that God hates divorce, but your soul is FAR more valuable than a relationship. I believe that many people go to hell for an eternity because they were unable to forgive wrongs they suffered within marriage. If you are being poisoned, then get out and save your soul and the souls of your children.
It is not my intention to break up families, but to save souls. If you’ve ever been subject to someone who is reckless and uncaring, then you know the feeling of being insecure. And as women, we want to love them out of that place, but sometimes, we can’t. And so, it is my prayer that God’s will be done in your homes and in your hearts.
With love, sincerity, and hope for your future,
Alana
Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Read MoreHolding on to Your Honey: Don’t Run Him Away
I owe a huge apology to the men out here who are busting their behinds to make things work with women who just don’t get it. Honestly, fellas, I didn’t think you existed. Let’s blame it on… uhhh… daddy issues. But here I’ve come to (attempt to) save your day!
I used to think women were always right because, by default, women wouldn’t do anything to tear apart their marriages and families. How naive was I?! It only took me five years of marriage to find out that even within myself was an air of sabotage. I needed and wanted out desperately.
It is my sincere hope that your marriage is a good one, but inevitably hard times will come. As a wife, it is your duty to ensure those “hard times” aren’t instituted by your own fault (…and I’ll write to him later). There are some behaviors that men absolutely hate, and rightfully so. If you want to run your love into, at the very least, emotional isolation, and at the most, the arms of another, well, here’s how you might do it.
Target has some nice bags. Nine West has gorgeous shoes. Leave the Luis Vuitton, Coach, and Fendi for later dates when your family is financially stable.
Disclaimer: I’ve been known to hide a dress or two in the trunk of my car, but alas, I am now single and can hang them proudly in my closet. You mad?
I’m certain this list is not complete, but surely these behaviors fit the bill. Without explanation I could also add refusing to meet his needs (sexual and otherwise), uncleanness, meanness, lack of ambition… the list goes on. These monumental mishaps don’t occur overnight, but day by day as our hearts become hardened and distant from Christ and one another.
Don’t be the reason he chooses to lace up his Nikes and hit the pavement… Should you be guilty of any of the aforementioned offenses, go first to God and ask His forgiveness, then to your honey. Make a conscious and OBVIOUS effort to improve. He may think you’re being snide or manipulative, but ensure him that your change of heart is continual. Keep demonstrating it until he believes you.
Trials will come, but are you contributing to the problem or the solution? What behaviors must you change to keep your husband active, interested, and involved in the relationship?
With love, sincerity, and hope for your future,
Alana
Photo credit: Luc De Leeuw via Compfight
Read MoreDear Future Wife: What He Hopes to Find in YOU!
Ladies, if I asked you for the top three qualities you need in your future husband, you would probably say something like this:
- Loves & serves God faithfully.
- Loves me and ONLY me!
- Financially secure, funny, tall/dark/handsome, etc.
Well, that number 3 is wide open depending on preferences, but the first two are pretty rock solid for single Christ-following women. We realize that almost every good quality we want in a man is embedded (hopefully) in number 1, but number 2 has to be stated just for our security. No one wants to be in an unloving marriage after all. But I’m not here to talk about (my disdain for) lists, but moreso what should be found in YOU.
We’ve all heard the messages that we should be getting into shape, buying houses, starting businesses, etc., while waiting on our proverbial Boaz. I’ve written previously that not every man is a Boaz and not every woman is a Ruth. But regardless of your personal experience, EVERY single Christ-following, kingdom-minded, wife-seeking man desires a woman with a certain set of qualities.
I’ll dig into those qualities in a bit, but first, the Word.
THESE are the qualities that Apostle Pete expected wives to exhibit. So if your future Christ-loving, wife-seeking boo could write you a letter (or send you a series of romantic text messages), he’d say…
Baby, I need you to be gentle. God gave you the grace to nurture and to heal with your hands and your words. Even when I’m wrong and you have to check me, please remember that I do have feelings. Use your words to build me up. Don’t ever tear me down.
Sweetheart, few things are more attractive to me than meekness. I need you to have strength under control. Life will try to break us apart, but if you rule your soul and I rule mine, then we can overcome together. Because I know you exercise self-control, I can tell you anything and know you won’t overreact.
Sugar Lump, I need you to trust me as head of our home. Are you willing to adapt to my needs as I lead you in love and understanding? You’re safe to submit to me because I will submit to Christ first and you second.
Pillow Fluff, I need you to be devoted to Christ, to me, and to our family. I’m not asking you to be perfect, but I am asking you to be a woman of your word.
Darling, please treat others with kindness… and not the phony kind. I want to see the love of Christ exhibited in everything you do. You can be kind and still get the job done, but if you’re nasty to people, then I know that one day you’ll direct that nastiness to me.
Babydoll, stay fly! I know that as time passes we’ll both grow gray and saggy, but know that I’ll love you still because you will be so good to me and no other woman can satisfy me as you have.
Wouldn’t it be nice to read that on Issey Miyake scented paper? I’m swooning even now…
Ladies, our world is inundated with physically attractive women who lack substance and every inkling of self-control. It only takes a few channel changes to find that these women attract the sheistiest, scummiest, sluttiest, Stevie J-ist men of all time. If we conform to that model, we, too, subject ourselves to control, manipulation, and all types of abuse. Our relationships with men are NOT supposed to be filled with havoc and turmoil. But we can only have security when we root ourselves in Christ and allow Him to bring us total healing. If you exhibit these qualities, you will attract MUCH better quality men AND you’ll be able to manage yourself in a way that protects you from becoming hurt again and again.
One final note… While it is extremely important that we keep up with our physical appearance, we need not worry about conforming to others’ ideas of beauty. Who I am in Christ is constituted by my heart condition and walk with Him. And somewhere out there is a man who likes a brown-skinned woman with thick hair and thick thighs. There’s someone out there who will be attracted to you too. And if you feel changes need to be made, then by all means, DO IT! Just work from the inside out… Keep in mind that you should still look healthy, pretty and feminine.
Which of these qualities do you already possess?
Which do you need to further develop?
With love, sincerity, and hope for your future,
Alana
Read MoreLetter to the Married Brother
Dear Sir,
Need I remind you of the nights you prayed for the warm body that shares your bed?
Need I remind you of the countless dates with women who could not hold your heart or even a worthwhile conversation?
Need I remind you that Christian couples are divorcing everyday and there are consequences called child support alimony?
Yet you risk it all through emails, texts, and private messages. No, the content may not be inappropriate but it is questionable. And the question to ask yourself is this…
Is this something you’d be proud of IF and WHEN it is revealed?
Let me remind you that the Lord sees the intent of our hearts, and though you may be lonely…
Though you may feel neglected…
Though you may be searching…
You are still married, and I am not your wife.
Unless there is a defined purpose for a relationship AND that relationship is public, there is no need for us to communicate continually. I need not be welcomed into your life. I don’t need to answer all your questions. No “just because”, “goodnight” or “good morning” emails should cross my networking threshold.
Where is your integrity, man of God? Have you yet to learn that no one can satisfy your soul but God Himself?
Just as you seek to be comforted and entertained, the enemy seeks to destroy YOU. He doesn’t care about your job, your family, or your ministry. He wants your soul. And he will bring you a Delilah when you’re at your lowest point.
You’ve found yourself at a stand still and wondered why your prayers are not being answered, yet you do not serve God or your wife with fidelity. How could He bless you when you don’t protect the blessings you already have?
If you’ve got to send that message early in the morning or late at night…
If you delete every exchange of conversation…
If you’ve never expressed the objective of the conversation without identifying who you are (and being married is part of that)…
You’re wrong. And I forgive you for trying to use me to soothe your own insecurities.
With love, sincerity, and hope for your marriage,
Alana
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About Alana
Pronounced Uh-LAY-Nuh...
I don't pretend to be an expert, but I know what I know. And I know failure and heartbreak. I know how to keep moving forward in spite of it all. I keep my heart with all diligence. Bring your mirror of introspection, a box of tissues, the willingness to laugh, and an open mind. Thanks for visiting! 
