Posts Tagged "relationships"

You Can Trust Again

Posted by Alana on Mar 18, 2013 in Being Single, Dating & Relationships, Uncategorized | 1 comment

Confession.

I am one of theeeee most distrusting people walking this planet. I question everyone’s motives all the time and can villain-ize an ironing board if need be. I blame my parents for this debilitating characteristic. They didn’t hug me enough as a child. (See?)

Can’t recall what brought this post on, but I’m well aware that I’m not the only person with trust issues. And to be totally honest, I’m really not THAT distrusting. But I do know that there is a reasonable amount of security and comfort in keeping people at a distance. Who wants to open their hearts repeatedly only to be deceived and betrayed again and again? Why not collect dust on a shelf where no one can reach you? Why not hide your gorgeous self behind a bunch of jungle plants? You’re safe there. And so am I.

petunia2323 via Compfight

For certain seasons, a cocoon is fine. God does His best work when we are at our lowest, but now that Spring is coming I really don’t care to be bound up, blocked out, or broken down anymore.  I mean… Aren’t you TIRED of the same old conversations with the same old people? Wouldn’t you like a fresh perspective? And new opportunities? Isn’t the air in there getting stale?

Jaybird via Compfight

Here’s how all of us, admittedly distrusting or not, can learn to trust (and love) again.

• Let God heal you. If you’ve been wounded emotionally, it’s normal and acceptable to pull away from people for a season. Just be sure to spend that time with the Lord instead of sinking into a pit of despair.
• Observe a person before offering friendship. Are they consistent? Do they live what they believe? Are they buttkissers, or genuine? Do they gossip? Take your time and consider if someone would make a good friend for you, and vice versa. We all have different personalities, so it’s best to find a good match. Opposites attract, but birds of a feather flock (remain) together.
• You can’t see through brick… So knock a few out of the way and peek outside every once in a while. The longer you’ve been in a place of mistrust, the harder it will be for you to give and receive love. Tearing down a wall isn’t ideal, but a few bricks here and there need to go. You’ll feel revived as you re-acclimate yourself to the possibility of having healthy relationships and breathing fresh air.
• Measure out your time, devotion, and personal details. MOST of us are wounded because we gave entirely too much too soon. Yes, I know it’s romantic to dive in head first, but whoever said romance was smart?! Let’s leave Disney in our childhood and apply common sense. Whenever a relationship is new, limit the time and information you share with that person. If they can be trusted with that, then give a little more and a little more. You won’t be hurt as much when a potential homegirl blabs about your hammertoe as you would if she told about an indiscretion.
• Keep your distance from those who’ve previously violated your trust. Let bygones be bygones. Forgive them. Forgive yourself. Keep moving forward. People can and do change, but you don’t need them to prove it to you.

Igor Srdanovic via Compfight

Spring is upon us, and I’m ready to enjoy some warm weather outside of my old brick fortress of shame and disappointment. And you, my dear reader, there is somebody waiting for you to enter his or her life. Someone needs a friend, a colleague, a prayer partner, a lover.  Someone needs you, and certain things in their lives won’t happen until you arrive.

Selah.

With love, sincerity, and hope for your future,

Alana

The Swoon Factor: My Most Memorable Kiss

Posted by Alana on Dec 19, 2012 in Being Single, Dating & Relationships, Uncategorized | 0 comments

I love random SMS conversations. But today, this one took me by surprise…

Flex: Could you be with someone that you didn’t enjoy kissing? 

Me: Absolutely not! 

Flex: Just making sure I wasn’t crazy.

Me: But I would try a few times to see if it gets better.

Flex: Yeah, I would.  But if I CONSISTENTLY don’t like it…nah lol.

Me: Totally agree… 

Flex: So you wanna kiss me or nah? 

Me: X______X (I didn’t actually text this, but my eyes did cross.)

Flex: I kid I kid lol

That short (hilarious) exchange did two things for me. First, it sent me into a fit of laughter thinking about my friend being poorly kissed by a well-meaning, passionate, but unskilled woman. Can’t you see her closing her eyes, leaning in, tilting her head, and seductively pouting only to smoosh his nose in and chomp down on his lips? Second, it made me think about a few kisses I’ve had over the years. As we all know, 2012 has been relatively dry in the kissing department, so I had to dig deep to really reflect on the matter. (The things I do for you people… psssh…)

Some of ye olde kisses were awkwardly pleasant. Others were forceful and unenjoyable. Some I have to dig deep to even remember though at the time I was having a swoon-fest. But one kiss really stands out in my mind for all the right reasons.

Oh, how I wish I could describe the mechanics of this kiss, but Lord knows you super churchy folk would get all  up tight at the mention of kisses that don’t land on foreheads or cheeks. And this kiss was smack dab on the lips. There was suction. There was swooning. There were no consequential actions that led us into sin or regret. The kiss simply communicated “I care about you. I understand you. I value you as a person. Thank you for being you.”

Outside of the fullness of the fella’s lips– *dodges rebukes*– I can pinpoint three factors that contributed to the swoon factor.

1. We were incredible friends, and I just didn’t expect it.
2. He was respectful enough to ask but charming enough to not make it sound like he was asking.
3. His kiss wasn’t a demonstration of other activities he might have wanted to do with me.

Immediately following this seven-second smooch, I turned my back towards him, crumpled to my knees, and fell flat on my face— in my mind, of course. In real life, I zombie-walked away in complete and utter shock. Once I was alone I smirked and giggled like a fool.

Many of us are far too careless with our kisses. For some that may look like kissing too many people or not kissing the one you claim to love enough. For others, we fail to communicate what matters most in such an intimate moment, and that is your respect and admiration for the person of interest.  We can’t be so careless to communicate our demands in hopes that the other party will be moved (coerced– whatever) to fulfill our desires. And selfish kisses are worse than bad breath kisses for one reason, and one reason only.  They’re totally forgettable.

Next time you want to make someone swoon, remember respect and compassion will help you win the cause, but at the very least, you won’t be forgotten.

With love, sincerity, and pack of Chap Stick,

Alana

Photo credit: License Some rights reserved by _Zahira_

Another Sneak Peek of “Late Nights on the Straight & Narrow”

Posted by Alana on Aug 23, 2012 in Being Saved, Being Single, Dating & Relationships, Uncategorized | 0 comments

For those of you who follow me on Twitter, you might have noticed my absence lately. I miss tweeting with you all, but I’ve focused my writing efforts on my first book “Late Nights on the Straight & Narrow.” I’m hoping the book will be finished and ready for sale by Sunday!!! I’d love to hear your thoughts on this short snippet, and the previous excerpt that I’ve posted.

Ladies Only: Are You Help Meet Material? 

…But for Adam there was not found a helper meet
(suitable, adapted, and complementary) for him.
Genesis 2:20b

And now the unveiling of the cybermirror of introspection! Look at yourself, woman of God. Are you help meet material? I’m not asking you, my sister, if you’re willing to cook his dinner, clean his undergarments, and contribute fifty bucks to the cable bill. I’m asking if you are strong enough and willing enough to stand face to face with a man of God and assist him in his calling. And are you wise enough to choose the right man who will also help you with yours?

Some macho man somewhere painted a picture of help as one coming behind you and cleaning up what you messed up. That’s not help! That’s a maid. Maids are blessings in their own right, but alas, that is not my calling. Whenever God and Adam met, they talked face to face. When God created Woman, He intended her to be that type of help that would offer wise counsel and comfort. I think of my best girlfriends who are a help to me. We talk with like minds but they bring out the best in me. Whatever I miss, God reveals to them and we both grow in the process. When Adam cried out for help, Woman would come to him, look him in the face, and say “Baby, what do you need? What can I do for you? Help you turn this soil? No problem.”

God designed you to be a strong consolation and gift to someone, but if you haven’t submitted to His plans for education, career, ministry, etc., you can’t help the man to whom you’ve been called. What will you have to offer him besides sex, a hot meal, and a hot ironed shirt? Some of us can’t even do those things.

Fellas Only: Would You Submit to You?

I tweeted once “Women aren’t that complicated.” Needless to say I was retweeted into oblivion and lambasted by men who thought I was insane. I started to backpedal, but by the time other women jumped in, my point was made. We are NOT that complicated.

Any woman who is truly in line with God’s will (and most that aren’t) is willing to submit to a man who meets a certain set of qualifications. And I’m not talking six feet tall, making six figures, with zero children and all that nonsense. I’m talking about a man who loves God and serves Him faithfully, and then, of course, loves the woman he chooses as wife. A woman knows that if a man truly loves her, he will not make a choice that will bring harm or danger to their family. It’s EASY to submit to a man like that. And should he make a wrong choice… well, nobody’s perfect!

Your demonstration of love for your future wife is a seed sown. You will, in turn, reap her respect and willingness to submit to you. So I would also ask you, brother, do you love yourself? Not in the cocky, arrogant way… but do you value who God has created you to be? The Bible teaches that you must love your wife as yourself, and so it follows that if you hate yourself—well, that’s an ugly thought. I’ve lived through a marriage where my husband did not love himself. I began to have suicidal thoughts, but I knew they weren’t from me! If you have room to grow in this area, then please allow your heart to be healed before taking a wife and making more babies.

Take a glance into the cybermirror of introspection and ask yourself the following… Are you a good leader? Are you patient enough to learn about her, or will you assume that you know her, or worse, attempt to make her what you desire? Do you make decisions based on what you think is best, or do you consider the well-being of others? Are you gentle and forgiving? Is your swag sanctified? Tell me about your character and integrity. If your wife-to-be so happened to pick up your phone, would your stomach turn inside out? Do you require a “foretaste of glory divine” before marriage even though she is kept a secret from your family and friends? Unless you live out the right answers, no REAL woman of God will submit to you. Any woman who does is silly and foolish.

Download PDF

I’d love to hear your comments!!! What do you hope to read in this book? Let me know what your concerns are before I finish.

With love, sincerity, and hope for your future,

Alana

Photo credit: Carlos Porto via Compfight

Getting to Know You…via SMS: The Don’ts

Posted by Alana on Aug 19, 2012 in Being Single, Being Smart, Dating & Relationships, Uncategorized | 0 comments

Earlier today I shared six appropriate actions for getting to know someone via text. I shall not belabor the intro, so here are the corresponding DON’Ts!!

1. Text about things like goals, dream, emotions, etc. It’s super easy to say whatever you think a person wants to hear via SMS. Master manipulators will suck you into a heart-wrenching conversation via text and leave you to your emotions. There’s far too much room for romanticism and misinterpretation. Should someone do this to you, redirect the conversation until a more appropriate time.
2. Bombard them with multiple texts or ask them why they didn’t respond. How needy are you??!! Stop it. If you notice a negative pattern, then more the likely he or she is disinterested and/or playing games. Move on.
3. Just stop texting. I am bad with this. If a response is dry or remotely arrogant, I tend to let the convo drop. Bad business, I know. But I’m making strides to improve. Won’t you join me? Even if they don’t deserve the courtesy of “ttyl,” I’m a quality person nontheless and so I should offer it.
4. Respond to anything meaningful with “ok” or “lol” or “that’s what’s up” or any other dry response. Despite what you may think, a lack of interest is discernible via SMS. It’s relatively cold to draw someone into a conversation, entertain them, and then go cold. Where’s your personality? Where’s your heart? If they’re excited, at least feign excitement for the moment. If you’re not interested, just say “ttyl” and nip it in the bud later.
5. Text recklessly. You can be yourself and show your personality without being irresponsible or downright rude. Put your mobile device away until you can demonstrate maturity.
6. Break your plans to speak on the phone via text. Call in advance to say you’ll have to reschedule. Show some consideration for the other person’s time! Otherwise you’re making it a point to show that person their interactions with you are limited to just text messaging, and no one likes to be put in the text zone unknowingly.

Let common courtesy be your guide!!!

With love, sincerity, and hope for your future,

Alana

Photo credit: Sippanont Samchai via Compfight

Getting to Know You… via SMS: Six Do’s

Posted by Alana on Aug 19, 2012 in Being Single, Being Smart, Dating & Relationships, Uncategorized | 0 comments

I’m not sure why I’m on this social media, mildly techie kick lately but I guess my single self has the time to explore the idiosyncrasies of conversation through several filters.

I loooooves me some text messaging. Talking exhausts me, but a few swypes of my mobile keyboard can get my point across quickly and easily. But with text messaging I’m able to quickly determine whether a person is even worth continued conversation. Let’s face it… I’m a nerd and appropriate (not perfect) grammar and spelling are important to me. Cuz if yhu rite like dizzzzz… I can’t. And an even more importantly, out of the abundance of heart, the finger strokes speak! A person with impure motives won’t stay in hiding for long.

So here are five do’s for those of us who use SMS to play the get-to-know-you game… The don’ts will be shared tomorrow.

Do!!!

1. Keep the conversation simple. SMS’s are 160 characters for a reason. If you can’t fit what you need to say in that space, then another tool would be more appropriate.
2. Allow the person time to respond. We have jobs and families and businesses. Afford the person some grace with responding, but take note if they are only available during certain hours. This may be a sign of something “else” going on.
3. Close the conversation with “Gotta run, but have a great day” or the like. Be gracious and show that you look forward to your next mini-chat.
4. If answering a question, ask another one in return. For a conversation to take place both parties have to be engaged. Ask questions in return to keep things flowing. Most folks won’t ask your selfish butt five questions in a row as if you’re some demigod and not expect you to show some interest as well. (Could you hear the salt in my commentary there? Yeah.
5. Syntax is important, but not nearly as important as correct grammar and spelling.There’s no ticking-time bomb going off in your conversation, so make sure auto-correct isn’t making you seem like a complete idiot or pervert. A few misspelled words ain’t so bad, but the there/their/they’re and you’re/your struggles are unreal. Tidy up, please.
6. Make plans for a phone conversation.  One simple phone conversation might clue you in to the person’s mannerisms and habits. How many times have you heard the familiar Walmart beep in the background and only to hear your buddy berate the cashier for making a simple mistake? Or talked for a solid forty-five minutes only for them to have to suddenly jump off the phone with half a goodbye? Or listen to them order a #10 with a large milkshake and fries and add a few apple pies with two ice cream cones for dessert? Listen! Save yourself months of minimal emotional investment by (randomly) picking up the phone.

Are you a texter? What do you love about it?

Alana

Photo by  Emily Hildebrand via Compfight