Being Single, Dating & Relationships, Uncategorized

A Sh*tty Situation: Quite Possibly my Most Embarrassing Date Ever

Why? Because it’s too funny not to tell and enough time has passed that I can laugh about it without being too embarrassed. Don’t worry… precautions were taken to protect the feelings of the gentleman who will be utterly shamed and embarrassed in the story I’m about to tell. He’s a nice guy, and I really don’t want him to see this.

So I met this fella online via a very sketchy site introduced to me by a close family member who also had no business on the site. If I told you who the family member was, I’d be dead by morning. (Mama, NO!)

Back to the guy… He was super tall, handsome, and gentle-natured, but dumb as rocks. Normally, I find some sort of intelligence in a person and honor that, but this guy wasn’t working with much at all. To put it simply, he was a muscle head. But after chatting, texting, talking, and inappropriately flirting for months, I decided to meet him anyway.

Anyone who’s ever done online dating will tell you that there is a MAJOR difference between what you see and hear via electronic devices and what you see and hear in person. Well… I could say I was pretty lucky. Mr. Man was just as kind in person as he was on the phone. Unfortunately, he was twice as dense. I remember asking him a few questions and getting blank looks instead of answers. Every few minutes he’d giggle and say “Yeah, girl…” I’d just giggle back.

We ordered our lunch and ate between a few more failed attempts at intelligent conversation. He enjoyed a dish that was covered with tons of melted cheese, onions, and peppers. (Bad date food if you ask me…) I’m sure I ordered some kind of salad pretending to be health-conscious. He paid the bill, and we left… hand in hand.

On our way out of the restaurant, my date stopped to admire our reflection in the glass.

“Don’t we look good together?”

I’m not sure what he saw, but my head reached a little over the top of his belly button and I thought “He’s got to be kidding.” My second thought was that our heights were inversely proportional to our intelligence quotients…. and I just can’t be with a dumb man. (Let me qualify… there are many different ways to be intelligent, all of which are praiseworthy. Everybody has something; but if you have little to nothing, I can’t work with you.) So I could see us going no where fast, yet I remained agreeable and continued to smile. There really was no reason to be ugly…

Our next stop was a movie… something action-oriented, loud, and exciting. The title? I don’t remember. What I do remember, however, was his giant self squirming in the minuscule seat. We tried the cuddling thing… didn’t work. I would lay my head on his shoulder, rest it a few seconds, and then he’d push me up. Not long after, I started hearing tummy gurgles so loud that they made the movie’s surround sound seem a mile away. I wondered why my stomach was so active. Even if I didn’t like him all that much, how embarrassing would that be for me? Then it dawned on me… squirming and gurgling… It wasn’t me! It was him! (You know how it is when you’re sitting close to someone, and you can’t really tell whose stomach it is…) Lucky me…

Right? I mean I am lucky that it’s not MY stomach gurgling. It’s his… Wait a minute. This could turn into something very bad at any moment. Ain’t it funny how luck turns on you?

So the movie ends, and we hop in his super clean car. He heads for the highway. I inquire as to where we’re going next. He says “Just relax, and enjoy the ride.”

He types into his TomTom and heads for 95 north which happened to be seriously backed up. My sensibilities kick in (kinda late, right?) and I insist to know where he’s taking me and why, all of a sudden, he’s acting so strange. I pushed until he answered.

“I need to use the restroom. All that cheese got to me…”

“Are you lactose intolerant?”

“Heh heh… yeah, girl.”

Now I can’t type what I really said to him at that moment… but here’s the censored and listed version.


*Bleep*, are you serious? Why would you order something with all that cheese if you know your body can’t digest it? And if it looked so good and you had to have it, why would you have it on a date? Here’s a McDonald’s you can go there. Why’d you pass the McDonald’s? The Hardee’s? Target’s right around the corner. Where the heck are you going? Don’t you see this traffic!

He wasn’t hearing it. We crept at a mere 25 miles per hour for about 20 minutes passing several exits with blue signs showing places with available RESTROOMS. Dude was stubborn, and I was BEYOND ticked!

All I could do was plan my route of escape just in case noxious gas leaked from my date. Because is this really an IF situation? No… said person has gas, so it’s not about IF he lets it out, but WHEN! The only results from a planned escape would land me stranded outside his car or half-dead inside. I started praying…

A few miles later, he takes an exit off the highway and heads to a hotel. He runs inside and tells me to wait outside. So I’m waiting… and thinking. Thinking… and waiting.

Is this some kind of game? Did he already have a room booked here? He better not ask me to come in if he does. Is he so desperate to get me inside to pull some crap like this? And since when do you have to use a pristine bathroom to do your dirty business? Why am I here? Maybe I can call a taxi back to my car…

Just as I go into another round of the same questions, my text notification sounds…

“So….you wanna get a room while we’re here? ;-)”

You know what? I can’t tell even anymore of this story… let’s just say he and I haven’t seen each other since.

I will say this… Despite the utter embarrassment and shame I felt up to that point, the rest of the date wasn’t a total waste. I just had to redirect his “romantic inquiry” *gags* to a sensible, yet riveting game of UNO at a local park. We did have fun with that.

Moral of the story? Heck if I know… if you’re creative, daring, and punny enough, leave one in the comment box below.

How about this? Don’t lead a brotha on and think ANYTHING will stop him from trying to get the cookies… no matter how sh*tty the situation.

That’s enough foolishness for tonight… I’m looking forward to hearing back from my readers.

Your cybersister,

Alana

 

Photo by  nate steiner
Some rights reserved

Being Single, Being Smart, Dating & Relationships, Uncategorized

scandaLIESed

For shame, for shame… I’ve found myself in the same crappy situation. Lonely and loveless, I’ve given too much, and there’s nothing to show for it but my tears and seething anger. I can’t really decide whether to be angry with him or with myself. Since I’m an introvert I turn my anger inwards and eat too much, then eat too little, work out like a maniac, sleep all day, stir all night. I envy the extroverts who speak up for themselves and beat the fool out of their men. But either way, there’s no rest and no peace because once again, I’ve been scandaLIESed.

Did I misspell that? Of course, but for good reason. Am I speaking of myself? Yeah, but the krazier me…. the one that couldn’t make sense of simple truths about other peoples’ intentions. I am no longer that person.

Too many of us find ourselves trapped by bad decisions. We’re left with the guilt and embarrassment, and often, weightier consequences like unexpected children and infections. (My personal experience is that even unexpected children are a blessing, most infections can be cured with a pill, but the guilt is earth-shaking for YEARS! But the bloood of Jesus is more than enough!! *Gotta get my preach in there a little bit…*)

When I think back to those situations, and there were many for me, I come up with the same answers. Somebody somewhere told a lie… let’s start with the first responsible party. You… Oops, I meant me.

  1. You lied to yourself. How many times have you gone out with a person that you weren’t really attracted to just to humor them, or someone else? A good friend of mine warned me against this. If you’re lonely enough you could fall in love with the Hunchback of Notre Dame, and that cocky bama will still break your heart. If you think he’s too tall, too short, too ugly… leave it be. Plus I recently went out with someone who made it clear he wasn’t attracted to me. I didn’t know he felt that way going into it the date, but I wish his blind butt hadn’t wasted my time.
  2. You’ve been lied to, and you believed it. The Lord rebuked me a few weeks ago for believing someone when they told me that they loved me. I knew full well that the person was not capable of love, but I accepted his good intentions as truth. That poor guy was eventually trapped by his own words when he couldn’t live up to making the choice to love me on a daily basis. Who’s to blame here? Well, of course, he should know better, but I’m responsible too. Just because he said it, doesn’t mean I had to believe it. In fact, I should’ve set him straight immediately. Ladies, we set the standards for relationships, and sometimes we have to make the fellas back up. I apologized to that joker for believing him… The Lord made me do it. (He can be so unfair at times.) The joker responded “Ok… no problem. Who is this?” LOL… No apology in return, but that would just be too much like right.
  3. You tried to change the intent of something that cannot be changed, i.e. sex. “We’re both adults, so we can have sex with no strings attached. I won’t ask where you’ve been. You don’t ask where I’ve been. No feelings allowed… Just sex.” Have you seen Lord of the Rings? Sex is like the ring. It cannot be controlled. In fact, the ring controls you. No matter HOW you try to redefine the purpose, sex was made to bring to people together by uniting their bodies and souls. So believe that lie if you want, but I promise it will not end well for you. (SB: The worst men will try to convince you that they have feelings for you just to keep you in bed with them.) Don’t make this agreement EVER. By the way, just sleeping with them without having that conversation automatically enrolls you into this type of relationship… for lack of a better term.
  4. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s still a snake. He seems nice, right? But his friend’s list is laced with profile pics of seductive women. Or maybe you’ve dated him before, and it ended badly. I’m not saying don’t give people a chance, but you can rest assured you’re not missing anything with these types. Here’s why. You’re like a rabbit that needs to cross a river. Snake offers to take rabbit across, promising not to bite the rabbit. Even though rabbit is doubtful, she decides to trust snake because snake made a promise, and rabbit is good-natured and, well, trusting. Rabbit and snake get halfway across the river when snake takes a big chunk out of our naive, fluffy friend. Then snake says “You should’ve known I was going to bite you. I’m a snake, and that’s what we do.” Need I say more?
  5. You tried to change something about yourself to become more appealing. I’m not talking about physical qualities. A little lipgloss never hurt anybody. But I used to hold back some things from folks when I first met them so they wouldn’t feel overwhelmed, but those were the exact things that were deal-breakers in the end. Subconsciously I knew that they weren’t right for me. (Boy, am I being transparent?) So now I always tell a person that has expressed interest (or attraction) that I am a celibate woman of faith, I’m divorced, I have two children, and I’m curvy. I risk the rejection early on because if the fella knows I’m not what he wants, he wastes less of my time.

I know I’ve left myself wide open for judgment and criticism, but the truth must be told. Everyone makes mistakes, but women are often left feeling powerless and ashamed after letting down their guard, even when we have the best of intentions. Don’t try to think like a man because you can’t. Think like a woman that has good sense. Give no room to lies whether they be from you or another person because, in the end, you are the only person responsible for your well-being.

Believing the lie empowers the liar. Be bold and confront the liar, even if it’s you, with the truth. The best liars mix deception with a bit of truth to draw you in. Rightly divide, and press on. If all else fails, hang up, delete, and block. No one can argue with silence.

Sisters, it’s time to rip off the scarlet letters that remain from jilted love and lust. There is life beyond the foolishness we’ve encountered, but you have to set the framework in truth and wisdom. No more lies. No more scandals. Open your eyes.


Two final points… not all men do these things, and some do them with good intentions. Just protect yourself from the fella with good intentions that doesn’t know how to follow through. And lastly, some women pull this crap too. I’m just learning how insane some women are, so please be patient with me as I learn to present the full picture. 

Now that I’ve poured out, I want to hear from you. Talk to me people. Let me know you’re following…

Your cybersister,

Alana