It took a while for me to reach this point, but I’m truly enjoying my singleness. There are times when I wish I had a little companionship, but if you’ve ever been in a relationship you know that those needs aren’t always met. So I press onward… and in the meantime, I try to abide by a few simple laws to keep myself fabulously feminine and devastatingly desirable. (Ok… I embellished there a little. I do get caught in the mom-teacher frump, but I fight that battle daily.)
- Shaving is not season-specific. Just because it’s getting chilly and we aren’t showing skin, doesn’t mean we can neglect shaving our legs and underarms. I like to reference Queen Esther. Every day she bathed in myrrh to prepare for her one night with the king, and this was BEFORE he even chose her! I’m not saying shave your legs in hopes someone will one day rub on them, but if that’s your hope… keep’em smooth and shiny even when they’re tucked away.
- When undergoing face-altering activities, trust God but pray for the technician. You walk into the shop and spot your favorite eyebrow-waxing technician. But when they seat you, a lady who barely speaks English with drawn-on brows comes to your service. Oh-em-egee! This is SCARY! Yeah, whisper a prayer. One bad stroke, and you’ll be penciling in your brows like your auntie did in the 70’s.
- When in doubt, play coy. Unfortunately, people lie. Our girlfriends lie. Guys that pursue us lie. Our bosses lie. Nothing will disarm them and empower you better than a good lash batting. What am I saying exactly? Play dumb!!! You learn so much more when you just close your mouth, listen, and pretend to be the idiot that liars think you are. Confrontation can wait until you’ve gathered all your facts and cooled your jets.
- Walk softly, and carry pink lipstick. Remember that Eric Benet song, Femininity? You are a woman for a reason! Be soft, gentle, and sweet. Pray for a quiet spirit and practice meekness. Your strength is in prayer, beauty, the ability to give life, and your submission to God! In short, you never have to be masculine, hard, or overbearing to get things done. Do what you have to do, but be pretty and feminine doing it.
- Subtract to multiply. As single women, we tend to invite too many people into our lives. We have so much to give and share, but many of the people in our circle are no good for us. We have to remove those people, so that others who are much more worthy of our time and energy can come into our lives. A few months ago I had to remove a few people from my life, but since then I’ve had deeper, more meaningful relationships with those who are genuine and full of purpose.
- Eat your fruit. Yeah, we should all eat healthy foods, but I’m talking about fruits of the spirit. Remember those from Sunday School? Love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Life gives us plenty of opportunities to react with harsh words and bad attitudes. But when I encounter those situations, I feel the Holy Spirit handing me a piece of fruit.
- Be seasoned, not salty. No one likes a bad attitude. If you’re still popping your lips, rolling your eyes, and making negative comments about everything, you need to grow up. Develop your personal interests. Read. Write. Take a class. Do something to expand your life experiences. Understanding and wisdom are attractive. Speaking everything that comes to mind is not.
- Keep a stash of Tylenol PM. I’ve been singing that old song, “When it’s cold outsiiiide, who are you holding?” Ummm… let me pop a Tylenol PM, hold my pillow, and take my butt to bed. It’s just not worth it!
- Single ain’t so bad! Few people realize that being in a bad relationship and lonely is a thousand times worse than being single and lonely. Many married women wish for the freedom that we enjoy. To go shopping and NOT have to hide my new dress in the trunk?! To eat that extra slice of chocolate cake without someone glaring at me sideways?! To not have to cook meatloaf and other manly foods?! Life is GOOD!
I’d love to hear what single lady laws abide by. Leave your comments below, and please share, post, email, tweet…
Enjoy your week, good people!
After about three months of working out regularly, I’ve taken a few notes on things women do to get a man’s attention. Some of them, as ridiculous as they are, actually work! So, ladies, if you’re looking for a special, health-conscious fella to play with this spring and summer, this is how you MIGHT catch his attention. If all else fails, at least you’ll get a good laugh at yourself.
Individually the steps aren’t so bad, but put them together, and you’re sure to make a fool of yourself…
- Wear the tightest, brightest workout clothes possible. To draw attention to your body of course! Whichever parts are more flattering, that’s where you put the color. So, yep, bright pink right across your super booty… that ought to grab some attention as soon as you walk in the door.
- Put on perfume… lots of it… in those key spots. If you’re really working out, you’re going to get a little sweaty, but nothing covers that briny scent like a double dose of Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue. Believe me… he’ll notice.
- Lipgloss and messy bun are a must! Ok… I do this, but for good reason. I don’t go anywhere without lipgloss anyway, and the bun keeps the hair out of my face. But a messy bun will send the message that you’re there to workout, not show off. So you look “focused” but still hot. Plus you’ll need the bun when you get to step 6. Hold your horses… we’ll get there.
- Find a treadmill with a tv. I will explain later…. Just do it!
- Get on the treadmill and program the incline to the “climb the sky” setting and walk! (There’s no way you’ll get me to run on a treadmill… Have you seen the videos when people fall off? Not cute!) If you’re really working it, hold on to the top of the machine. It makes your waist look super slim… And every so often make sure you add a little jiggle or sway to your hips. You may not be able to look behind you, but I guarantee someone’s watching.
- Turn to ESPN and shout strategically at the tv. This is the killer move that is ONLY for women who are serious about snatching up a dude. One of my BFF’s in college discovered that a guy she liked became more interested when he thought she liked sports. She’d watch SportsCenter before visiting him, and then once she was at his house, she’d watch it again with him and scream at the bad calls along with the commentators. Yeah, he bought it. I’m not saying go this far… but if you’ve managed to land on SportsCenter or some game, then pick a side (i.e. choose a color) and yell at the tv. It’s amazing what a strategically-placed grunt can do for piquing a man’s interest.
- Every few minutes take down your bun and shake your hair loose. Then quickly twist it back up. Men love hair… especially if it’s real! But whatever you’re working with, shake it out a little. Then, seamlessly twist it back up into your messy bun and keep going. Something about wet, messy hair… (But beware of the sensible woman that may be next to you. She may get tired of your shameless ploys for attention and snatch you and your messy bun off the treadmill.)
- When you’re finished your workout, slowly bend over and streeeeeeeeeeeetch. This move is only for the advanced and serious mate-seekers. If a man stops and speaks to you after watching you bend over, ignore him. He’s no good… But yeah, you did get some attention. That’s what you wanted, right?
- When you’re finished, take a slow, deep sip of water and let out a big sigh when you’re finished. I actually did this one day when someone kept staring at me. I was trying to ignore him, but the water went the wrong way. I ended up choking on the water and coughing it up onto my white t-shirt. He started talking to me, and of course, I couldn’t talk back. All I could do was cover my wet, white t-shirt and get out fast.
- When all else fails, go get on the leg machine that works the inner and outer thighs. Do you really need to ask why?
So, ladies, you see… all you need is a little shameless behavior mixed with your womanly wiles, and you too can make a fool of yourself at the gym. Honestly, any man who is attracted by this behavior will easily be swayed when a more shameless sister comes along. So be careful of the attention you seek.
I’m seriously coming out of this kraziness, and I’m a little bit tickled when I see other women indulge in it. Here’s to hoping for their sanity as well as my own…
P.S. After writing this, I observed the MOST shameless thing I’ve ever seen a woman do! One of the female trainers was working with a gentlemen on a weight machine. I overheard them chatting about tattoos, when she turned around, pulled up the back of her t-shirt, and revealed her *ahem* TRAMP STAMP. She proceeds to ask the man if he can read it, and bends over so he can get a better look. Poor guy… silly lady.